Live, Learn, Laugh and get Luvs

Better news on the health / job front

2012-01-19T12:58:00.003-06:00

FWIW there might be a little TMI in the following posts. If you've read my blog very long you probably wonder why I don't start most of my posts that way. Probably because I don't usually remember to - lol.

Been in my new job for about two months now. It's honestly a bit boring, simply because I'm not doing a great job of pestering the guy that needs to be walking me through what I'm supposed to do. But he's got more work to do than time and has a lot of short-term priorities and deadlines that he has to meet... and I don't want to drag him down to train me. So, I'm tired by the end of the day (simply because the day tends to drag). BUT. Interestingly enough? I'm not as exhausted as I usually am every day. My old job (being quite stressful and interesting and challenging) the days just flew by. I would look up and go - wait, what? it's time to go home? Really? ... but I'd walk in the door and collapse in a heap. I'm still tired at night; but it isn't quite the same bone-weary tired; can't move a muscle tired. And I'm finding the weekends, I'm still tired and laying down most of the weekend; but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Where every weekend seems like I have a smidge more energy available to me. Now, if I can just get things to pick up at work so that time doesn't crawl so slowly? I think things might even improve more.

And that's not all. Along the bowel issue front? I've gone from having the diahrrea issue about 20 days out of 30 down to 2 days out of 30. And believe me, that is GREATLY APPRECIATED. Admittedly, the change wasn't immediate and wasn't overnight. It started improving after the Hysterectomy. And really hasn't shown any backsliding.

It's probably too soon to know for sure; but I haven't had any episodes of pluerisy since Christmas evening. So, a good three weeks now. I'm not thinking I'm out of the woods, but am extremely thankful for a bit of a break at least.

Chronic pain is still hanging around. But honestly? All told. It might have been the thing that the doctors all focused in on; of all my symptoms it's the one that I don't really care if it doesn't get better. If I didn't spend most of my down time in bed due to fatigue and the rest of it on the pot due to the diahrrea; the fact that I have a few aches and pain is really the last thing I'm worried about. I'm still not back to where I want to be. But I really do think things are finally starting to get a little more like I might have a chance to pull out of this.

Funny... that. I was reading some slightly older posts around the time I was thinking of looking for a new position. I was wanting to get healthier so I would feel comfortable looking. I ended up applying for my current position mostly so I could get some practice interviewing again since it had been so long since I'd been through it. Didn't expect to find a job that I would want to take... let alone a position being offered to me. Little did I realize that stumbling into this position has probably helped improved my health some.

I always knew that stress was bad for your health. BUT I've ALWAYS had stress. And while I have had a stressful job and been through some stressful things these last couple of years... the truth is my poor health kicked off a lot fo that stress. I really didn't think my job that I truly did love (even if I didn't love working for the people I worked for) was making things worse.

My manager happened to mention during the team meeting this week that he had gotten most everything ready for reviews. I knew he'd asked me last week for my former manager's name - and I asked an innocent question "Does that mean you were able to reach out to X?"... he said yes. Then I asked a snarky question "Did you manage to get a response?" (considering the guy wouldn't answer emails, phone calls, nor IMs the entire time I worked for him and was NEVER at his desk... ).

Yes, yes he did manage to get ahold of him. And then he shared some news that made me smile. "I got a hold of him right away, but I struggled a bit to get what we needed so we could do your review. I ended up escalating several levels within the department and then I went outside the department to apply a little leverage. But I was able to get what I needed to be able to take care of you. I didn't want to leave you short."

... Cross our fingers, but I think this means that not only am I going to get my raise and promotion that we had discussed when they gave me this job offer? But I might even get a small portion of my bonus that I should have earned last year but that I'm pretty certain my department manager would try to find a way to prevent me from getting. Since I was bonus eligible for 10 1/2 months. I should be able to get a pro-ration of the bonus for the deparment for that length of time. But I was pretty sure they were going to try to keep me from getting it. I am SO glad I'm not in that department any more.

Between his comments and the fact that I'm seeing health improvements that I haven't seen in over three years? I'm thinking I've found a much better place to work for me. Plus he's always bringing up work/life balance when he's talking with my coworkers who tend to put in extra hours.

We had a quarterly department meeting last week. It was really focused mostly on Thank Yous for the last year and what had gotten done. Additionally one of the things they showed was Q12 results. Q12 is a twelve-question survey that measures team member's engagement. It's not specific to my company. Many companies use the tool. Basically the have the employees take the survey every year. Compare rankings across industries, across the company, across the departments. I find it very telling that on a scale of 1 to 5 where 5 is extremely engaged and an almost impossible to meet metric. That my old department was running around a 3.3 and dropping. My new department runs at around a 4.6. Nearly the highest in the company. If I end up interviewing again for another transfer? I'm going to quiz them on their Q12 results I think.... because based on my experience in this department? I don't want to go back to a lower score... nor a department where employees feel that the longer they are there the less they contribute/feel engaged.

More not great news... along with some maturing

2012-01-09T15:35:00.002-06:00

"A" is still making mistakes... but I think he's finally reached a new level of maturity. He messed up in November and went in to his parole officer for his session; and while not over the limit (like last time) ... he blew a .02 on the breathalizer. At 23, he's not allowed to drink at ALL for probation. He's going in today to start 45 days in county.

But, he's come around a long way since the last "mistake". He's planned ahead and his girlfriend has all the things he needs ready to be dropped off with him (instead of begging me to bring him things he needs). He's purchased phone cards ahead of time. His attitude is resolute that he'll get through this and come out the better for it in the end. He's determined to get off of parole ASAP... and while he's felt that way for a long time; this is the first time he's actually made a plan for how to do it.

His gf gets a lot of credit for this. She's become quite firm in what she expects out of him and screwing up again isn't something she's going to let him do.

I'm still feeling quite useless and frustrated that it's taking him so long to come to terms with life and get his act together. But, every time I turn around right now. I'm seeing glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. He's getting some of this stuff figured out.

Now, how do I bribe her into talking him into going to college? LOL

Stinkin' Pluerisy

2011-12-27T13:57:00.002-06:00

Four bouts of Pluerisy in the past two and a half weeks.

Sigh.

Good news is that "A" is able to help use a chiropractive move to help alleviate the pressure from a hiatal hernia which seems to be partially at the root of some of the issue.

More good news (or not) is that vomitting seems to take care of the rest of it.

I don't really like to vomit. In fact, I can remember quite a few times of thinking that if I could vomit I would probably feel better; then going quite a ways out of my way to try to avoid it.

The pain from the pluerisy is massive. And the nausea and stomach pain is horrendous. Vomitting makes it all go away... eventually. Did I mention I hate to vomit?

It's not like I really have much say in the matter, when it comes down to it. You combine extreme pain with stomach upset and things kind of take care of themselves. But I am learning to not fight it quite as much and give into it.

Last I've talked to was ER doctors only; and they were all convinced that the hiatal hernia has nothing to do with the pluerisy. But, I'm now completely convinced that the pluerisy starts about two minutes after stomach upset from the hiatal hernia. Treatment for the hernia is trying to adjust eating behavior first, then perhaps surgery if that doesn't work. So, I'm focusing on trying to eat very small meals every two hours; sleeping at a 45 degree angle. Anything I can do to avoid kicking off stomach/heartburn issues.

I see my regular doctor on Jan 20th; which is a ways away. If I can get it to stop the attacks on my own before then, all the better. If I can't at least I can tell him what I've been doing so we can start planning next steps.

... you know me.... even if I don't have a solution, if I have a plan, I feel better.

In the meantime, I am about five weeks in on the new job. I have had next-to-no training because everyone has been on PTO for the most part; but I've still been able to contribute an itty-bitty-bit. I am now bored to tears for the most part; but expect that to change with the new years. I figure that I can just use the down time I have right now to recharge my batteries after wearing myself out in the old position. With my constant fatigue, I don't feel great right now; but I do feel much better than I have in a long time... so it does seem to make a difference.

On the kid front... "a" had a great Christmas. "A" had an ok Christmas... but he also got to experience things a little bit from a different perspective this year. He's living with his new gf who has a four year old son. And he went out of his way to make sure that little boy had an awesome holiday. He and I have chatted (a little) about it; and I truly feel that while I certainly made some mistakes in raising him; that one of the things I did well was to "gift" him a wonder for Christmas that he's dying to share. That... that I did right. I was really proud of how he tried to surprise both his gf and her son and give them a really special holiday.

A couple of months later....

2011-10-27T11:21:00.002-05:00

There have been a few health improvements; and not-so-much issues post-surgery.

I'm still having pluerisy attacks, not as frequent as before.... but intense, none the less.

Next to last one stunk the worst - I was driving home from Iowa City with "a" after he spent the weekend with dad. On Interstate 80, I got hit by a wave of pain... tried to drive through it for the first five minutes or so; before the dizziness become overwhelming. Pulled onto an off ramp; and sat there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to do.

I broke down and called an ambulance because I couldn't sit by the freeway for hours even though I was pretty sure that there wouldn't be anything the hospital could do for me... but felt pretty desparate and uncomfortable.

***

In the meantime, there hasn't been anything exciting or fun going on in my life for a bit. I've been struggling and frustrated at work - but didn't want to spend time venting.

My mid-year review came along after two co-workers nominated me for a special recognition at work for service excellence. And I got rated barely above mediocre by my manager. Another symptom of being under appreciated. Last year I didn't get a raise, and while I would understand it if few people on my team got raises due to economy... the truth is that the company I work for had good returns last year in spite of the economy. And co-workers who we have trouble convincing them that they could pull a little more weight got some pretty hefty raises.

So, figuring that I'm being un-appreciated, and not recognized by management as being a valued member of the team (just co-workers) and being that I am pretty sure I'm being set up to be missed again for raises. I've also been informed that a promotion is not going to ever be in the works if I stay where I am....

I am tired of complaining. I figured it was time I do something about it.

So.... I just applied for and got a transfer to another position in another department. It's a lateral move, but they are planning on giving me a promotion within a few months of starting and there's lots of room to go from there.

The manager is used to working with other technical people and isn't as touchy-feely/sensitive as my current manager. OMB.... I am really nervous about starting over. But thankful I get a chance to keep my benefits, seniority, etc.

I'll be getting back into development again doing a lot of what I do now but in an entirely different type of world. So, I will get a chance to keep doing design as well, but also get to improve my coding skills.... :-)

frustrated

2011-07-10T11:04:00.001-05:00

Ugh .... third episode of pluerisy in three weeks. I caved about twenty minutes in and called A for help. I didn't want to go to the emergency room yet again. All they do is run tests to make sure it isn't a heart attack nor pulmonary embolism... but they will give pain killers so that I can breathe again. A accused me of becoming a druggie because I confessed to wanting to go in so the pain would stop. Of course, this was ten minutes after chewing me out because I wasn't taking the pain killers when I was pain free.

Here is how it goes down... I have been pain-free since the last bout with pluerisy, about four days. So, no sense taking pain killers if there is no pain. Went to sleep on a full stomache around 9 pm. At 1 am I was awoken from a deep sleep with this intense, can't take a regular breath kind of pain. I immediately took a pain killer and focused on getting as deep a breath as I can tolerate the pain of and trying to relax. But the pain is so intense, it feels like your lungs are on fire and someone is cutting them out of your body at the same time.

After twenty minutes, I am I utter agony and not knowing what else to do, I call A (who is at the bar) to come and help me thinking I was stuck going to the emergency room. After he yelled at me for not taking the pain killers, then accusing me of becoming an adict, he accused me of either wanting to die or making it all up because I want the drama in my life. I told him to get out. That if I couldn't stand the pain for another ten minutes I would call an ambulance instead. Thankfully, by then it the pain meds had finally started to kick in instead.

I know that 95% of his attack was because everytime he sees me like that he remembers my near-death when he was 16. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of me. I was sitting there trying to get air into my lungs, pale, shaking and barely able to walk due to pain and he is accusing me of loving the drama. Sigh.

But, truth is... it would have been mostly useless to go to the emergency room... I don't know what I expected him to do. Its not like he has a way to help me with the pain while I am waiting for the pain pills to kick in.

I will eventually find a way to forgive his behavior... he's the only family I really have other than my eight year old son. I have never felt so alone as I did when I told him to leave last night.

Add to it feeling like I am walking some sort of tightrope where I never know when I will be struck down with this again. All things considered, its good that even if there is no treatment for it that it doesn't cause any long term damage... but the intensity of the pain just drops you. Then add how hard it becomes to breath and how oxygen levels drop as a result of that... and its a pretty scary event.

I am going to call the doctor on Monday, maybe he can do some more in depth testing. Or better yet give me some coping skills for during an attack... 40 minutes of shockingly intense pain coupled with difficulty breathing ... is a REALLY long 40 minutes.

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dealing

2011-05-30T10:55:00.001-05:00

I have two remaining debt payments to make to get to debt-free with companies. Then I owe a dear friend some repayments. Not sure she will accept cash repayments so I am trying to plan something a little more special in hopes that it will allow me to repay her for her generousity when I was literally at the end of my rope.

The last couple of years have been quite brutal, but all the cost cutting and frugality has paid off.

Next is my surgery in two weeks... I dare to dream that it will help with more than the cramping... wouldn't be amazing if in a few months not only would I be debt free but also out of pain and not feeling like a 90 yr old woman who spends her evenings and weekends in bed.

If I can get those parts of my life in order.... then maybe I can start dealing with correcting another portion of my life. My job. I am NOT calling my current job my career intentionally... sigh. The sad thing is that I enjoy what I do, when I get to do it. I have great coworkers. My coworkers respect me an feel like I am a cornerstone in our department. Which helps me maintain my confidence that I am providing a needed service. But my managers are extremely critical, shut me down and are constantly complaining about me. Every time I try to explain the processes we have developed as a team or actual issues that we need to solution for, they can't understand me. I find it really frustrating because I normally pride myself on being able to take technical information and translate it to a form that just about anyone can follow. The issue is that these two particular people don't listen to understand. They shut down early in the conversation. So basically they ask me to explain myself, then stop paying attention, then criticize me when they walk out confused. I haven't been in a place over the last two years where I could afford to take any risks with my career... so I have been doing my best at biting my tongue and grinning and bearing it.

But if my health really does improve, its time for me to find a new career path that gets me away from these idiots. I would love to find a way to do something of true value instead of pushing papers for mortgages. But I am pretty darn certain I would end up getting a drastic pay cut and I am uncomfortable even thinking about giving up my 24 days of PTO a year. Sigh. So I may end up just trying to find something else within the company first.... feed my soul with the charity knitting instead and keep the posh salary as best I can. But at least I can look for a position where the management staff aren't so idiotic as to treat one of their star performers as if they are dirt.

Am really hopeful that this surgery eases things... I hate feeling so stuck.

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Preparing

2011-04-10T09:18:00.001-05:00

So I was chatting with a co-worker and declaing my love for therapad heating pads for dealing with menstral cramps. Told her how I've stocked up on them and if I was smart, I should invest in the company to get some of my money back.

When it dawned on me that there won't be any more cramps in a couple of months. Its funny how mind bending the concept of life without cramps can be when your life gets scheduled around them for years.

So now I am also realizing that I need to prepare for the next stage. Since HRT has been ruled out, but at least I am off the blood thinners, I should be able to try some of the herbal options out there. I will be on thinners a couple of weeks after the surgery, but after that I should be able to experiment a bit with non Rx options as long as I do my research thoroughly first.

Can't wait.

But will be really happy when the pain is gone.

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It's official

2011-04-05T18:46:00.003-05:00

I go in for my partial hysterectomy on June 14th.

I still have a chance to change my mind about it, but honestly? it's such a relief having it scheduled, that I can't wait for it.

The numbers are as follows - there's less than a 2% chance that they won't have to take the ovaries.

There's a 50-50 chance that they can do the surgery using laproscopy... which would mean one night in the hospital and a six day recovery.

If they can't they'll switch to the regular insiscion near my c/s scar - which means two nights in the hospital and four to six weeks for recovery.

So, I'm pretty thrilled that it sounds like an opportunity to at least try to do the minimal surgery.

They're going to do the blood thinners after surgery, the compression boots and get me up and walking asap.... but no guarantees that I won't clot. But, the risk is pretty low because they are being so proactive about it.

Surgically induced menopause without HRT can last six months to two years. Sigh. And depending on how quick it goes, it may be pretty intense. But that said, I would almost rather an intense but brief experience if I had my druthers.

The odds of success are fairly high, not perfect - which was part of the battle for me deciding to do it; but I've reached the point where I can't see a future continuing as I have been.

The 2 days of intense pain every 21 days was bad enough; but now I'm cramping the entire month... and? sigh.... intense cramps after a climax. Ok, I don't know how anyone else views that, but I think it's a cruel joke and must stop. Makes you wonder about the women who don't like sex, add seriously bad cramping and I would eventually not like it either (well, I can imagine that anyway).

Anyway, it's done & scheduled ...... wooosh!!!!

Camping in February

2011-02-19T12:31:00.008-06:00

Yep, you read that heading correctly, we went camping last weekend - in February.

We started with banding wild birds...

the back of the head you see & the hands using the plyers? That would be 'a'. He did an excellent job banding a wild Goldfinch.

Then there was ice fishing:

Then there was sledding... some reason, I'm having trouble getting the video loaded.

And campfire smores.

Then dinner followed by digging through OWL pellet (vomit) for rodent bones.

Then there were a dozen young boys doing their best rough housing and running in circles to avoid sleeping.

And there were dads. Lots of dads. In our cabin there were about 12 young cub scouts, and about 11 dads, and me. The only mom. They were great; but lets face it, it was a little awkward. To be completely honest, I think they drew short straws to figure out who was going to be stuck in the bunk room with the "girl". But, they were great with the boys.

And above all else, there was fun. Yes, there was fun.

time off

2011-01-05T22:05:00.001-06:00

Don't know how much it is going to help my attitude, but I set 'a' and myself up for a long weekend at an indoor waterpark.

Figured that I needed a break and he'll get to have fun.

Plus January will go faster... one weekend away, he has a snow tubing trip another weekend, and a third weekend for staying at dads.

February has a weekend camping trip (sleeping in a warm lodge) and a couple of other busy weekends besides.

Hoping we can try to keep busy to forget its winter?

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A New Year

2011-01-03T00:42:00.001-06:00

This past year was a little tough. I struggled with some basic things. As I have gotten older, my attitude has suffered, I seem to get more rude and add the health issues... and well, it's not pretty.

Even if I don't solve all my problems overnight... my debt has been cut by 50%. I own my car outright. I live on about 60% of my income.

I am a smart gal, if I can figure out a way to rig the lottery (j/k .... though I am now buying tickets).... or maybe figure out a new place for myself so I am not kicking myself daily for working where I am now. I can find better ways to volunteer my time to feel more fulfilled. Fwiw, I donated several hand knit and purchased items to the homeless shelter, a lap-gan to the veterans hospital, hats to homeless camps, and hats & gloves to needy children in December... went a long way toward filling that emptiness I have been struggling with the last several months.

'A' moved into an apartment he's sharing with a friend. He now has his own car and is making regular payments on his fines. He's really appreciative of the little things like having his own bedroom where he can shut his door if he wants privacy. (Insert evil laugh here).

Anyway, things are better this year than last. So I need to put on my big girl panties and get along with others and get on with it. (I just wish I felt better... sigh.)

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Grrrr

2010-12-21T17:59:00.003-06:00

So, I got talked to today. About my tone of voice. I do know that my tone of voice doesn't always reflect my opinion, intention nor frame of mind very accurately sometimes. I get asked why I'm so angry about something when I'm not at all angry. I might be passionate about what I'm speaking about, but not angry. But it's coming across as angry. I get that.

Today was a bit odd though.

I got talked to because someone other than my boss thought my tone was disrespectful. By my boss who did NOT think I was being disrespectful. Really? So, someone comes to you to ask why you let me be so disrespectful of you (all based on tone of voice); you disagree with them, but feel you need to discipline me because of it.

So, is she lying and she does think I'm being disrespectful; but doesn't want to state that? Or is she simply caving to other's opinions?

AND I'm getting talked to because someone doesn't like the tone of my voice. They didn't disagree with anything I said, they didn't think that the words I used were disrespectful, it was just the tone of voice.

I need a new career... or I need to just stop caring that I can't do a good job because of things that can be changed and should be changed, but won't be changed because people other than I don't care. If the process can't be improved, I get passionate - which projects in a way that others see as inappropriate.

smoke

2010-12-19T09:59:00.001-06:00

Wednesday night 3:30 am we were woken by every smoke alarm going off. 'A' had accidentally turned the wrong burner on the stovetop on (a mistake I've also made) then left the room. Compounded by alcohol-induced slow reaction time... and the apartment was filled with toxic (at least it smelled toxic) smoke because of the potholder that had melted to the burner. We were trmendously lucky that it was smoke and not a huge fire.

'A' has been told not to cook after a night at the bar; but this was to try to light his cigarette... even though he isn't supposed to smoke in the apartment either.

I am not angry, because it's a mistake that anyone can make and because there was no real damage done. But I've had a few nightmares since about how much worse it could have been. And worry that we might not be lucky if it were to happen again. To the point of trying to figure out if rental insurance covers temporary housing if your apartment becomes unlivable.

But there is very good news within this. 'A' is moving out the week after Christmas. He has a friend looking for a roommate. He'll have his own bedroom with a bed and everything. I had just talked to my sister recently about the fact that he was sleeping on the couch in the living room. She had great ideas. The issue was that it went against the grain for me because I am directly opposed to making my place more comfortable for him, withv the thought that privacy and everything else can be attained by making sure he gets his own place. The other (not as nice as it could be) trick was to make him pick up after himself and a little after 'a' as well as helping with dishes, laundry, all the grocery shopping ... and if he was home during a meal time - he was cooking. On top of that, if he really cleaned, not just the normal pick up stuff but thoroughly cleaned for more than an hour I would pay him house cleaning wages...

It may not all seem like a hospital way to treat your child, but being 22, in legal trouble, and getting free room and board to avoid having to really work for a living? Well, I think he got enough out of the deal that he could help me out some as well.

He still has a lot of growing up to do. But he bought a used car by himself, is fixing it up, he's now found a new place to live, ven though he's aware that doing so is going to cut into his money for drinking. (Not a bad thing in my mind).

Now, chances are he'll have no food money for the next six months or so. At this point he's hoping he can do my shopping for me and buy food for his apartment at the same time with my money. So I am trying to decide what other chore he can do in exchange.

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busy weekend

2010-12-05T10:12:00.001-06:00

Friday I left work a little early... drove over three hours. But got safely to my brothers house. They had about two inches of slick snow by the time I arrived. About fifteen minutes later a's dad got there to take him for the weekend. Amazing really since they had gotten over six inches.

Original plan was to take my brother's fish tank down and drive home another three hours yet that night. They talked me into spending the night instead. Probably for the best as the last twelve miles i'd driven had been quite slick. First snow storm of the winter and i am really missing my all wheel drive.

By morning they had gotten another inch... but once i had gotten to a paved road the drive home was a breeze.

So saturday started by taking the fish tank down... driving three hours, cleaning the tank up a bit Jprobably could have done more there), dropping off an eight inch algae eater who had out grown the tank at the fish store, ran and knit with my new knitting group, did some xmas shopping, ran home to finish setting up the fish tank. I am still exhausted come this morning.

I should be getting the house cleaned up for getting the tree out, but i am watching Harry Potter movies on t.v. and knitting instead. Have to run and pick up 'a' yet today. That'll be four more hours on the road (ugh).

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Can't forget to bake two dozen cookies for cub scouts today... no rest for the wicked.

greedy? probably

2010-11-30T23:13:00.001-06:00

Seven year old takes toy catalog to circle tpoys he wants for Christmas.

Sounds normal, right?

What does he do?

He circles every single toy in the book. Even the baby toys. Even the girl toys.

He decided that he thinks it would just work out better if Santa brought everything.

I told him I didn't think there was enough room for that many toys in his bedroom. First he thought he could find enough room. Then he decided that there would be more room for toys if we got rid of his bed... then he could just sleep in my room.

The boy is always thinking.

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More blogging

2010-11-28T18:15:00.001-06:00

Well, my cell that was a cheaap no-good knock off trying to be a smart phone, but failing miserably phone died. I had been planning to buy a droid next year for myself... but since another cheap craptastic phone would have cost around $75... i broke down and bought the droid.

Best $200 I've spent in a long time.

Better knews is that I can now blog on a whim insteadof waiting until I practically burst with the need to vent.

I am still going through a bit of a midlife crisis. Work that I used to find fulfilling just because I could do it well, yet that is challenging just isn't enough. I kind of wonder if I would have hit this point in my life sooner if I hadn't been so focused on moving from job to job to avoid boredom.

No matter. I am definitely still not bored at my current job. Just completely disgusted by the fact that I spend close to 50 hours a week doing work that I think is completely worthless.

So, I keep digging around seeing if I can mastermind some kind of grant or program where I can make a decent living, but make a difference.

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Still at the cross roads

2010-10-19T18:45:00.003-05:00

I am fully aware that having a good paying, stable job with good vacation and health benefits is a blessing. I am.

I am fully aware that being a single parent who is in debt to her eyeballs, that a good paying, stable job is more than a blessing, but also a necessity. I get it.

But, I still feel like I need to look for a new option. I feel to the depth of my bones that what I spend 8 to 10 hours per day doing; is worthless. Love getting paid... I do. But, the things I spend my time doing? Complete waste of time in the grand scheme of things. It used to be enough to me to feel like I'm contributing to a project (which I still am); to be a contributing member of a team tackling a big task (still am); producing technical documentation and/or software that helps someone do their job better (still am). But now? I spend too much time thinking about the fact that when it all comes down to it, my contribution is simply helping the company I work for issue more mortgages so the corporation can make more money off of people buying homes they (probably) can't afford when the going gets rough.

I'm not helping children, families, or elderly. I'm not providing food or education or helping people live safer lives.... I'm not clothing the poor; feeding the hungry; educating people so they can support themselves.

I still miss teaching. I found a way to incorporate a little of it into my regular life... I teach knitting to anyone who asks for help and teach a knitting class or two through the local school district in their continuing education program. I have more fun during that hour and a half a night than I do in a month at work. It's SO rewarding to have people take a semi-challenging thing to learn and find their way through it.

I taught for almost 10 years; but didn't have benefits, when I got divorced, I had to sacrifice the teaching for a job that carried health insurance. I did get offered a chance to teach full-time, but it would have been a 50% pay cut; and making ends meet wouldn't have worked. Now, it would be closer to a 75% pay cut; and I'd never get my debts paid off... sigh.

Even then - the demand for instruction for young adults and adults in how to use basic applications isn't in such huge demand as it was almost ten years ago.

But... I did get to chatting about this dilemma with a few people (off the record, of course)... and it's got me thinking. What if I could find a government/philanthropic/etc back-to-work kind of program; working with convicts; or working with unemployed; or even people working through recovery for addiction? I've been mulling for quite a while going to the hospital to see if I could find a way to volunteer to teach knitting to stressed out patients; bed-ridden patients; or parents of ill children as a sort of coping mechanism... but what if I could find a way to support myself (well) AND provide a service to society that I find meaningful?

I'm a smart girl. I might not find something this week ... to be honest, I'm not even sure where to start looking... but if I never look, I'm pretty darn sure I won't find it. If I dig; heck; if I can find a way to apply for grants, who is to say that I couldn't find something worthwhile, fulfilling AND able to support my kids?

I had a daydream - ooh... ages ago. What would I do with myself if I wasn't in debt, and money was no object. Where would I be... what would I do. First thing would be to buy land (and quite a bit of it). Second ... there would have to be a lake or pond (don't know why really.... just has to have it. Third... the house can't be too big; but it sure as heck would be bigger than my current 1100 sq foot apartment. Next (a bit off my norm) - wind turbines - lot's of them. Enough to power a mid-sized city. Tons & tons. Enough to cover my electrical needs plus sell back power to just about anyone. And last? (now this is less off my norm; but a bit) -- Alpaca. For the wool. And men to take care of them (because I have enough trouble getting the kids & pets fed on a daily basis some days). And a mill.... where I would hire & train women who are/have been in a tough place to spin wool; dye wool; knit. Maybe have a compound of small homes available for short-term emergency living quarters for them & their children. A safe place. A place where there's someone to help watch the children, help them with making sure everyone was fed... and a place where they can learn skills that they might be able to use to make a living... computer skills, analytical skills, knitting, etc.

Do I really forsee this place as really happening? Not really. It's a nice dream that captures a lot of different parts of my personality. A place where I can help others; get as much alpaca as I could dream of having; the wind turbines to contribute to improving the environment and our place in the stream of the world. I would do sheep, too... but I'm allergic to wool. Cotton is a possibility... silk worms, etc. But, that's mostly just wishful thinking.

BUT that doesn't mean I can't start thinking of ways to incorporate a little of this into my life. The cubicle farm is just the LAST place in the world that I want to be; and every single day it seems like it's taking me away from something that I SHOULD be doing.

I just have to figure out a way to be able to meet these needs without sacrificing the fiscal, stable, vacation, health insurance needs. And that's going to take some time.

Anyone have a winning lottery ticket they feel like giving away??? LOL

Struggling

2010-09-27T19:04:00.003-05:00

So, part of my coping strategy last week - was I took a couple of PTO days at the end of the week. I thought by spending some time alone in the house (a in school; A at work) that maybe I could just veg out a bit, knit a LOT and get a better attitude.

Nope.

Today stunk. Really, really stunk. I'm spending 80% of my work day in meetings where I really couldn't care less. No really. It's next to impossible to care less because I don't care about the call. I don't care about the information I'm supposed to be getting out of the call. I'm barely listening.

I got irritated this morning when I couldn't find the remote. I mean, the tv has been busted for SEVEN years where you have to use a remote and today I wanted to pitch it out the window.

I got irritated that the bus driver didn't just drive into the parking lot (odds were she didn't even see us) but parked on the street because she'd come early and instead of blocking traffic while she waits for us; she waits on the street. ... so it's not like she isn't being ultra polite by doing it. It's stupid to get irritated by it.

I got irritated at work when I booted up my pc and it had to go through the hard drive scan (which it does once a week - every week). But, it ticked me off because I didn't get all the files I'd loaded to the pc deleted (before realizing it was a waste of time to have them) which means that it takes 12 hours to scan my hard drive instead of 2; and every time I try to delete a bunch I keep getting errors - and have to mess around with it for hours; and then usually run into other things that I need to do; so I never quite get to the point where I get enough files deleted that it does me any good. Sigh.

About every five minutes all I can think about is quitting my job - which is positively the most stupid, irresponsible thing I can do. And it's starting to show. A couple of people have said something to my boss; who has said something to me now. I told her I was struggling with a bad attitude and that I had hoped a long weekend would help. (it didn't).

I've tried chocolate therapy. I've tried knitting more. It's not helping.

But, since I'm not independently wealthy and I need my job; I need to figure out how to keep my bad attitude from showing. So far? Nothing that usually helps me turn my attitude around is really helping. I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to speak in any meetings, not to write up any emails... only the bare minimum. I may have to resort to having someone else edit my emails before I send them if things don't get better.

I'm kind of feeling lost about the whole thing - because I've had bad attitudes before; and usually? One good nights sleep or one day of mental-health PTO day - and I'm usually right back on track. Admittedly, I don't spend too much time being miss happy-go-lucky; but usually I can see the positive side of things and it's ok. Now though? I just spend most every minute of every day wishing I wasn't where I am (that includes work and home) but not having a better place that I want to go.

I feel "stuck". This is what drives guys to buy sports cars - I'm sure of it!

At least this time, It hasn't been three months since my last post!

2010-09-24T08:43:00.002-05:00

I feel like I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis.

I'm struggling with the "point" of going to work to earn my paycheck - doing what I do. I mean, I get it. The paycheck pays my bills (well, at least it's trying to) - keeps a roof over my head; keeps food in our stomachs; keeps the heat on.

But, I'm spending 8-10 hours a day making sure mortgage documents are populated accurately. How does that REALLY benefit mankind? I'm not feeding the hungry. I'm not growing food. I'm not clothing the poor; educating the youth; putting out fires; protecting citizens. I'm making sure that the computer programs that feed & produce documents are accurate.

And, even then... I'm donating money to charity; I'm making hats, mittens, scarves, and baby blankets and donating those to charity. So, why do I feel so "un-fulfilled"?

I've got debt up to my eyebrows and as a single mom supporting both sons... I can't afford to take off from my job on some whim to find a more fulfilling role in society (that won't pay even a third what I make now). I don't even have the skills to take any position that would be more likely to do so - even.

Two weeks ago, I left work early one day because my filters were broken (not feeling well + PMS + mid-life crisis mindgame - bad combination). Went home. Felt a bit better the next day. Monday came around and I dreaded walking in. Spent the first three days in the week with a completely terrible attitude (which at least my filters were on... and I kept most of it to myself). Thursday & Friday were a bit better, not great, but so-so. Monday this week came around and it was ten times worse than the week before.

I LOVE the work I do - I do. I basically get to solve puzzles. Twist the data until you figure out what you really need it to do for you and get it to work. Where else can I do mentally challenging work like this AND make the kind of money I do? Not many places. But if we were to go through a semi-apocolyptic event? What good will any of my skills and life experience be? It won't matter that this form or that form printed in the state of California loans and when the LTV was equal to 80.000 and not 80.

sigh.

I'm debating trying to find a way to donate some time on a regular basis that can be USEFUL instead of pointless. Am hoping that will get me out of my funk.

New school year (well at Hogwarts, at least) ... resetting on goals

2010-08-31T19:36:00.003-05:00

Figured I'd post it here - kind of helps to make me feel guilty if I don't follow through.

My goals for the next three months (beyond the crafting aspect):

1) Settle into "routines" before and after work to keep the house from falling down around my ears.

2) Lose 10 of the 25 pounds I keep saying I want to lose, but have yet to accomplish even one.

3) 30 minutes of cardio 6 days a week. I can easily fit in a 10-15 minute walk daily at work... have been cheating with 5 minute walks with the dog, once a day... so here is my pledge to up it.

4) 20 minutes of strength training at least 3 days a week. Yep, I know I need this. I know I enjoy doing this. I just haven't convinced myself to do it.

Challenges (besides just being lazy/not feeling well) - is that there is a limit to where/what I can do and still meet my plans for paying off debt. So, no gym memberships. No extra paying for daycare. Alex might just have to find a way to join me or I'll have to work out how to do this in the house with him. Lastly... work. sigh. By December 2011, we are expected to make so many changes to our system so as to start the process to retire the half-dozen existing systems today. THAT means that all the work we've done over the past 4 years? Well, we have to do about ten times that amount by November 2011... which is just over 12 months. They are planning to hire more people... the problem is that by the time we get them trained we might have almost have had enough time to do the work ourselves. sigh. So, we're anticipating a lot of overtime. I don't do so well with overtime anymore. Getting old, I guess. But what will be will be.

Rewards - a cleaner house means less stress (very important if I'll be working a lot of extra hours); and the rest will definitely be important for helping to continue to improve my health (again, very important in gearing up for long hours - as extra hours can really tear me up).

I think I can live with this label

2010-08-26T19:24:00.001-05:00

The trip home, that wasn't

2010-08-16T19:26:00.002-05:00

Trip to Madison, WI originally scheduled last week was canceled to keep a certain someone from another parole violation.

Got a wild hair that decided I needed to get a picture of Jungletown. Same certain someone has been wanting to go and visit Grandpa - so we thought we'd head home for the weekend.

"A" found out that there was midget wrestling on Friday night - broke his heart when he realized we couldn't go that soon because I had to work at midnight on Friday night. Must have wi-fi which is in short supply in the middle of nowhere.

So, plan was to try to take off Saturday mid-morning and go for a quick visit.

ONLY midnight turned into 3:00 am.... so 10:00 am I was NOT in any position to take off on a 3 hr drive. By 1:00 pm (after failing to convince "A" to not go after all.... even though the original plan to go was my idea).... we headed out.

We got 20 minutes out & ran into road blocks "ahead" on the Interstate. Tried taking two detours (both were "road closed" for flooding). Apparently the interstate was closed due to a seriously bad accident - and instead of detouring traffic, they just had everyone sit on the interstate for four hours.

We got 3 hours in - realized that we'd only driven 2 miles in 2 1/2 hours.... (mostly because people were turning around). AND we turned around. 1/2 a mile back was a McDonalds.... so we spent 3 hours on the road to go to a dumpy McDonalds 20 minutes from our house.

Sigh.

We consoled ourselves .... thinking we would come out this coming weekend instead, when we can leave town on Friday afternoon..... BUT "A" got his job back (Yeah!!!!) AND starts Wednesday, works a double shift on Friday, a double on Saturday and Sunday (Yeah!!! and oops - guess no trip next weekend either)... oh well.

We'll survive. Some other time, I guess.

Long time, no post (again)

2010-08-13T18:39:00.001-05:00

Geez... I can't believe I haven't posted in about four months (eek, gotta get better at posting more often, huh?).

So, let's see.... what's all happened?

"a" finished kindergarten and spent the first week of summer at his father's (nice break)
"A", "a", and I (along with "A"s GF) spent a nice weekend in Kansas City for a footie tournament
I've been spending most of my free time on Ravelry (facebook for knitters) and knitting
"A" got a job (woot!)
"A" lost his job when he went to jail for a parole violation (not a woot)
"a" and I got to spend a whole week in Orlando. (probably shouldn't have, but got a sweet deal and since I've made a LOT of progress on my debt this year, I figured we needed to splurge while he was still young enough to find it magical... he did.... so much so I had to remind him which things weren't real so he wouldn't get too scared) Oh, and would have been the four of us again, but since "A" was still indisposed at county jail, that kind of fell apart. Reminds me... I need to follow up on the trip insurance and try to get money back for the no refund flights.
Junior, my beloved cat of 11 years (the BEST CAT in the entire world) managed to disappear on us. Totally heartbreaking to all of us.
We broke down just last weekend and went to the shelter (a house isn't a home without a cat, you know). Picked up a fantastic cat (even though she'll never be Junior)... poor thing had gotten an infection in her eye that was so bad that she lost the eye & broke her eardrum... all the while she was nursing babies... not just her own either. She had two full litters she was nursing when she was brought into the shelter. A full 12 babies. Completely sweet to everyone EXCEPT "THE DOG". Yeah - they're not friends yet, lol. Name the shelter gave her was "Angel Baby".... and it suits her (and she comes when called)... so we're thinking we'll keep that name.
I've had a few days here and there where the fatigue has gotten overwhelming again, but it's less and less often - which is a HUGE gain... so I'm thrilled about that.
School starts in two weeks (sweeeeet!).
Work is about to get bonko-busy-nuts in a very short amount of time (basically our proto-type application is up & running & revolutionary... so much so that we now are basically being tasked to get it to do everything but the kitchen sink by the end of 2011 so that we don't have to keep supporting the systems that it will be replacing)

Well, I think that's the short version. All-in-all a little bit more insane than usual, but then again, that's kind of the norm most of the time anyway.

Challenging to post

2010-07-03T19:51:00.002-05:00

So, work has blocked facebook & blogger - I get it, I do... and normally I don't mind too much.

BUT - then "A" went and did a naughty - I - not him, ME am permanently banned from having internet access through cable for life... because he did something he shouldn't and it was in my name. Now, we have internet in his name through another company. BUT, it took 3 weeks to get Internet again - so while I can check my email at work and what-not; Blogging & time on facebook was a no-go.

Add to it, that I managed somehow to trash my laptop's screen - and I've just been having a grand old time.

Other than technology issues? Things have been going pretty well... I'm back to salaried at work at the job I had before my boss messed with me. We're taking a lot of short-term trips this summer for "A" to play footie. AND we're planning on a week in Orlando to enjoy a little sun and get "a" to Orlando before he's 20 - yeah, I know 7 isn't on the verge of 20, but it seems like time flies once they get to a certain age, and I'd really like to take him to Disney while it's still magical instead of lame.

Still feeling a bit better

2010-04-20T22:11:00.002-05:00

So, I'm still not feeling 100%; but at least I don't feel 90 pretty much every single day. As a result, I think I'm finally in a place to start looking at trying to lose weight.

I'm going back to my hunter/gatherer diet (what you eat; when you eat) which worked pretty well after "a" was born.

And I'm going to increase my exercise - although really, this is going to start pretty slow. I'm taking 20 minute walks at work; and I'm going to start taking 30 minutes walks in the evening. Next week or two, I'm hoping to start doing Pilates again.

It might take me a month or two before I'm feeling up to strenuous exercise - but at least this is a start.

Kindergarden Funny

2010-04-14T20:48:00.001-05:00

"a" came out of the bath tonight; and even after I told him twice; he still didn't have his pajama's on..

"It's time to put your pajamas on"

"Tell that to my dresser" (apparently the drawer was sticking and he couldn't get into it.

I'm thrilled he gets sarcasm.

I know... no updates for a while.. then ka-blam

2010-04-10T00:07:00.000-05:00

Been busy with life... been feeling *pretty* good... not great... not ecstatic... but good. I'm still more tired more often than I'd like. But, I'm able to stay up longer, able to spend more time up and doing instead of laying down every moment I'm not working and absolutely have no other choice.

Still - by 7:30 - I'm down for the count. BUT, I have added a ton of other vitamins to the regimen including more folic acid and SAMe; the plan being that they help break down B12 into it's usable form. Per my blood tests three months ago - the unusable form of b12 was through the roof; the usable form was near non-existent. I'm hoping by building a basis of these other vitamins that I can increase my b12 again... and hopefully the building blocks to breaking it down will keep me from becoming toxic on it again.

I'm taking 50% of what I was taking when I felt great - right up until the moment when I became toxic and lost the ability to walk again. Thankfully this time it only lasted three days.

On the kids front - "A" is still dating the model-hopeful; and "a" is kicking things up in kindergarten. He's getting pretty bright....still a bit behind his other classmates, but, man... he's thinking now ... ALL THE TIME.

This weekend he's staying at dad's... he was quite upset about it. It didn't take much to figure out why. Because "A" gets to sleep in the living room all the time (since he refuses to share a bedroom with "a" and I'm not making "a" nor I give up a bedroom for "A" when he should REALLY have a place of his own. With a two bedroom apartment... the living room is his only option. I figure it works for me, because I don't want him to get too comfortable... ideally, he gets a job again and gets out on his own, again. Until then, I'm ok with him not being overly comfortable.

So, "a" is jealous that "A" gets to sleep in the living room. As a result, he's bargained with me... and if he sleeps in his own room as he is supposed to and when he's told without arguing - then he can sleep in the living room ONE night a weekend. Friday night. Only, dad doesn't have the same policy... dad makes him sleep in his own bed. So, he's upset that he has to go to dad's on Friday; can't he go in the morning instead? um... with two hours drive each way for both of us to meet in the middle; he needs to get as MUCH time with dad as he can get (and give me as much free time, as I can get). Seriously. Already, driving four hours on Friday night and four hours on Sunday... really? that means technically I get Saturday free... and maybe a few hours on Sunday to myself before I have to go get him. Not much for free time. And at only once a month? No chance on earth we're changing the pick up time to Saturday and cutting into my only free day all month. Not happening.

But, the boy... he was a think-ing. But, mom... I could do extra chores and be really good in school and not go into time out - not even once. Could we do it day-after-today (because tomorrow is a dirty word in his book - I'll explain that next) if I'm really, really good? LOL

As for the day-after-today thing.... He gets REALLY mad if I say something like, we'll go to the park tomorrow.... because "tomorrow never comes mommy". Because he always wakes up and asks if it's tomorrow yet... and I try to explain that now that he's been to bed and gotten back up that it is now today. But the concept hasn't sunk in yet.... so tomorrow never comes. BUT the day after today DOES come the next day, so that's a good answer instead of tomorrow. Like I said, he's always thinking... and he's convinced it's TOTALLY unfair for someone to promise to do something tomorrow because (even though it does happen) if they say tomorrow they MUST mean that it will NEVER happen since you can never wake up and have it be "tomorrow". LOL ornery stinker. Some day I'll be able to convince him that tomorrow really does mean the day after today...

Well, enough of a novel, I guess... nothing for months and then - blam... another novel of a post.

Long over due for a post .... totally random stuff

2010-03-11T23:17:00.003-06:00

I know, busy... busy... busy; but I still should find time to post.

I've been knitting up a storm. Made a star wars blanket for Alex that he sleeps with every night... several small projects, and am in the middle of still more. I know I'm crazy for doing it, but it's been tremendous fun participating in the Harry Potter Knitting & Crocheting House Cup competition.

I taught my first knitting class in the last few weeks. I think it went really well. Most of the students commented that they wish it wasn't over already... so that's good, right? I didn't bore them to death.

Work is work. Busy and insane most of the time, but liveable. I did finally get back my salaried position; am off being on call every third week; and feel much more capable of providing value in my old position. My performance review a couple of weeks ago did not go very well.... but the guy who did it really only knew me for about a month (the regular supervisor was out with a death in the family) and honestly, I really didn't work very hard to ensure I'd get a good review because I felt stuck in the position I didn't want to be in and lost a lot of motivation. I'm back where I feel I belong and where I feel I can contribute, and things are going much better now.... so hopefully next year's review will reflect that.

A got a job; got a girlfriend, quit his job because he's been promised two jobs (even though he doesn't officially have one yet) --- sigh. But, his last interview for the one is on Monday; and he's supposed to go directly into Orientation if it goes well. I've been trying to talk him into trying for both jobs; even though their both waiting tables... because most of the time, these jobs don't give you a lot of hours; and there's a possibility he could do both at the same time ... just on different nights. But, he'll do what he wants to do.

a is starting spring break. I'm happy because he'll be spending six days with dad. I'm hoping to do some spring cleaning while he's gone.

As for me, I'm starting to feel a little bit better again. Silly me, I was told you can't take too much b12; and taking quite a bit made me feel great; so I kept doing it. BUT, I managed to become toxic on something that's not supposed to let you get toxic. The current theory is that especially since my diet regularly consists of things that would contain plenty of b12; is that my body is missing something helpful to break it down. AND since it can't break it down; it also can't eliminate it normally like everyone else would... hence, toxic build up. So, I stoppted taking it altogether to see if I could walk again sans-b12. Sure enough, I've regained my balance. BUT, I'm right back to the exausted, can barely function state. Now, I'm taking the b12 in a lower dosage; AND taking double the folic acid and adding SAMe. Apparently those two items are very useful in the process of absorbing b12. My goal is to get the *useable* level of b12 up without getting toxic. Am starting to feel a little less tired - so I'm getting caught up on laundry, spending a little more time out of bed.... not back to where I felt great; but am thinking that once we find the right balance ... that I will get there. Just a matter of time.

In the meantime, I'm spending part of my annual bonus to ONCE AGAIN buy another digital camera. Seriously? Why do I go through so many?

Today I spent two hours at a's school volunteering. They were having a fine arts day and I helped a lady who sells amazing puppets online. AMAZING... every bit as good as the muppets. She had a nice program, and another mother & I got to help about 60 kindergarten students make their own hand puppet. a thought it was great to have me at his school. He believes I ought to quit my job and start working at his school. I think that I ought to keep my day job... lol.

Lastly, we brought home a hermit crab (again). Last one I named "crabby patty"... the joke went over a's head. He didn't get the connection to naming the pet after food. This one, he named..... Harry Potter. (yeah, he's noticed my obsession). But, I'm enjoying getting to say things like:

"put Harry Potter back in his cage right now"
"don't drop Harry Potter, you'll hurt him"
"last night Harry Potter was crawling all over me"

silliness, but it makes the days go by.

Well, so much for trying to be prepared

2010-01-30T16:08:00.001-06:00

The pics I posted before? I was trying to prepare by uploading the pictures for a virtual food fight ahead of time here... but I couldn't get them to display, so at the minute of the virtual food fight, I had to go and upload the files a second time... sigh.

Technology stinks sometimes.

shhhh.... (more details to come!

2010-01-22T23:14:00.000-06:00

True confessions of a geek, who also knits.

2010-01-21T14:27:00.002-06:00

Yep, that's me.

I've been enjoying a guilty pleasure for about 21 days now, that I now have to share.

I am currently enrolled in a Hogwarts Knitting and Crochet House Cup competition. I'll give you a minute to absorb that.

I'm competing as a first-year Gryffindor classmate (go Gryffindor!).

Yes, it's funny, yes, it's hilarious... but it's fun. So, why not?

January 1 was the start of the my first term (year). Each term is really only 3 months, with 1 month off to recharge, and then we start another term.

To participate the only REQUIREMENT is you have to turn in 1 piece of homework per month. (I've completed five and am working on the sixth tonight). There are six classes per month (yep, I'm an over-achiever, tackling every class this month). Each assignment turned in earns points towards the house cup; more points are given for exceptional projects, for using house colors (red and gold for Gryffindor; but I can also use Purple for Hogwarts Unity color (wherever that came from???)).

Then, there's the opportunity to also take an OWL (examination). First years and Second years are only allowed to apply for one owl a term. But, in our third year, we can try for two. To qualify for an OWL, you have to come up with a project, supplies, plan, etc for a large project that would NEVER be able to be completed in a month. In fact, if you complete it within a month, you're asked to do MORE or you don't get your OWL awarded to you. There are over a dozen different classes you can get an OWL in, however, you can only complete an OWL for a given class once in your time at Hogwarts (i.e., I can't keep doing the same thing every term.) AND, you have to get pre-approval before you can start working on your OWL.

Yet more points can be earned by playing Quidditch - I'm a competitor, but not given a regular *position*.... the positions match the game; but their assignments include things like turning in lists of competitors, making sure everyone has what they need to compete, etc. This month, we had to organize some information on the web site; next month, we have to create a ?uniform? (most likely knitted earings according to the latest gossip) that we can where when we compete in an *olympic* competition, not sure what month three will entail exactly.

My classes this month include:

Transfiguration - actually more web site organization
DADA - make something that relates to a new years resolution that you CAN meet - I made a shopping tote (done in red & gold btw)
Charms - make something ticklish or that will make the instructor laugh - *top secret item; I can't disclose what I made yet
Arithmancy - make something that demonstrates the Droste effect (images repeated within itself) or a spiral - I designed a hot pad that had rectangles nested inside of rectangles (again, done in red & gold.... man, I need to change all my color schemes if everything is going to red & gold .... lol)
Divination - palmistry - I had to identify my palm type (I'm a fire palm) and produce something that will protect my palms.... I made fingerless mitts that have owls on them (owls? you say? Why? -- because the Gryffindors have been challenged to add an Owl project to an assignment - ok, I'm a total geek).

Last class left to do is Potions. I'm supposed to make either something Dangerous (and interpretation on what is dangerous is pretty non-literal) or something that Dumbledor would love. Lot's of lemon-drop colored socks are being made. I had planned on making a stuffed dinosaur for Alex per his request; however, I only have 10 days left to the month, and it'll take more than a month to complete a dinosaur.... so I'm looking at my list of things I'd like to make. AND, the only thing I have right now, is to make some baby hats and booties. While it is hard to make the jump that baby hats and booties are dangerous, I'm pretty sure I can come up with a creative story about how making such things tends to make oneself vulnerable to the dreaded and deadly Baby Fever that makes its rounds occasionally (ever notice how coworkers all get pregnant at the same time???). I'm still working on the story, but I'm sure I can turn it into a tale of woe and worry and needing special magical protection to prevent me from catching that dangerous fever.

AND I've been approved for my OWL for my first term. I've been given permission to apply for a Transfiguration OWL; my project is to knit a large tote bag (to carry my knitting, of course) and then to felt it. I've never intentionally felted anything; and it's been a LONG, LONG time since I've felted anything even by accident. Basically you make something out of wool that isn't intended to be put in the washer and intentionally put it in the washer ... preferably with something like sneakers or tennis balls to REALLY abuse the heck out of it; it will shrink; then you dry it over a "form" to make sure it retains its shape... and voila; something has been transfigured from one form into another - true magic ( I hope!!).

AND, of all this? I only feel a slight bit silly. For the most part, I find it funny. And even funnier, is when I talk to other "normal" people about it. The looks I get when they found out I turned in my homework and what it was and why???? Priceless!

Kindergarden Funny

2010-01-08T16:27:00.001-06:00

First, although I LOVE the fact that I can work from home on snow days, can I just say that I think it's long overdue that my son go back to school???

Anyway, he's walking around with a blanket wrapped around his shoulders cape-style. AND just informed me that I should be feeding him ketchup ALL day.

Why? You ask? Because he's thirsty and he's a vampire.

Changing job titles again

2009-12-17T19:55:00.003-06:00

So, I got offered the position that I had before that had gotten "taken" from me. I'm happy to be going back to focusing on the work I was hired to do, that I was doing well, and that everyone else in the company couldn't understand why I wasn't doing it anymore (even me). Jan 4th I go back to being salaried instead of hourly. Wee!

Good news, the dizzy-spells are at a manageable level again. So, I'm walking un-assisted and even driving myself again .... does it sound like I'm 90 or something???!

I'm taking meclazine for the dizzy spells that are left, which makes me a bit tired. But... at least .... I'm back to functioning, even if I'm not feeling as great as I was a few weeks before. I can live with that for now.

Saw my regular doctor - he thinks the dizziness is coming from the progression from the flu I had - and since it's doing better and getting better with time, hopefully it's a non-issue. AND he is completely behind me taking as much b12 as it takes to feel good. He'll do some investigating to make sure there isn't anything to worry about; and away we go. I feel great that he's behind me - and he was thrilled that I was finding some relief. It made me feel really good when he told me that my getting better makes him feel good about it and that it couldn't have happened to a nicer person. Too sweet.

Am knitting and knitting and knitting for Christmas gifts that I'm behind in completing. I was doing so well and had gotten so much of it done early. BUT, I then offered to help with some charities. Our department at work adopted a needy family for Christmas; and had three girls - so I offered to make them hats. Then the chiropractor who has been unbelievably helpful in helping me with understanding the b12 issues and everything else that's been going on - they also adopted a family and asked the patients to help - so I made a scarf and gloves. Then a lady I knit with once a week during lunch got a group of people together to learn how to knit (so I helped out teaching) -- and we were knitting scarves for at-risk teens. So I did two scarves for that. I'm running out of time for my Christmas knitting though since I spent so much time working on those other projects. Not good... not good at all.

21-yr-old funny

2009-12-07T22:52:00.001-06:00

This is overdue....

I found a lacy black sweater that my dog had managed to drag under the bed... not mine.

So, I offer it to my son, asking - is this your girlfriends?

AND he's smart enough to say, that's a loaded question - I can't ask her if it's hers.... because if it is, she'll want to know why I had to ask... and if it isn't hers then I have to explain whose sweater it is.

Smart, right? So, we agree, that we'll leave it out in the dining room, if it's hers, she can say - "oh, there's my sweater" and if it's not, she'll assume it's mine.

So, what does he do? An idiot move and tosses it to her (assuming it's hers).... and it's not - LOL!

The spins - again

2009-12-06T14:14:00.002-06:00

Thursday I woke up with a serious headache - and when I turned my head to look at the clock to see the time? I had the worst dizzy spell yet. I waited, it passed. I sat up for another serious spin around the world.... let it pass. Got up and let the dog out, went to the bathroom, started to walk out of the bathroom and got hit with another spin.... and landed on the floor. Twice. Ugh. Spent two + days, where if I moved my head, the world went on a little wild ride. Stuck in bed - again... sigh.

But, it is getting a bit better. I can walk more than two feet without hanging onto something - although, albeit, still dizzy and still afraid of falling again... but it's better than it was.

Last time I experienced something like this it was three months before I could walk without assistance. I'm strongly fighting for the ability to go back to work tomorrow - and being able to walk without assistance seems like a good goal ... even if I can't drive yet, at least walking to my desk shouldn't be impossible.... so, wish me luck! 'cause I be needing it!

Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T17:24:00.002-06:00

Thanksgiving was a great holiday this year!

Went to see family, stuck around and bored everyone to death, but it was so nice to have a few days where I didn't have a million and a half chores and dozens of extra hours of overtime from work.

"a" spent Saturday and Sunday with dad, "A" spent most of the days with me and the evenings with cousins going out and drinking.

I got to spend a lot of time knitting - and relaxing. Even went to a movie which is a rare event these days.

I would NOT recommend Men Who Stare at Goats - not that it wasn't funny. It was. But, honestly? Watch the movie previews - every funny line was in there... and unfortunately, because we'd already heard those jokes, there wasn't too much else to laugh at once the movie was playing. Shame too, because it was a funny movie, but the previews kind of spoiled it for me.

Sunday night was a bit late as we didn't get home until past bed-times. And Monday came far too quickly. But, that's how it always is.

Things are swamped at work (as they almost always are).

I had almost all of my Christmas knitting under control. Until I adopted a family to knit for. Now, I've got a ton of knitting to do and very little time to do it in. Race is on! I hope to finish a hat I started last night tonight... a Second hat tomorrow night and a third hat by Thursday night. That will give me six days to knit three pairs of mittens.... and two of them will be on a weekend, so hopefully, daytime knitting can come before cleaning and I can get them done. We shall see.

Then I've got six days after that before a pair of women's gloves and a scarf are due.

That gets me to Dec 16th. Then I have to finish the infinity scarf I'm knitting for my sister, a set of towel holders for my niece.... and I have to finish "a"s blanket (which the blocks are done, but I have to seam them together, knit the border, add words to the border and attach the flannel backing). Umm... yeah... I may be over-estimating how much I can do in the 25 days I have left till Christmas!

In other good news - I've been asked to teach a couple of knitting classes for the community education division at the local school! How awesome is that???! Starting in February - only a couple of hours - one night a week for a couple of weeks. But it should be fun!

My turn for the flu

2009-11-17T14:53:00.002-06:00

Sore throat, cough, exhaustion, head-ache and that floaty-I'm-not-myself feeling.

I've been working from home so far this week, but working lots of long hours as well as spending WAY too much time on conference calls. My call yesterday was 10 hours long.

So, no voice left, and I'm groggy.

Unfortunately, I have a new supervisor at work - who thinks I've taken too many "unplanned" PTO days. Even though we have sick and vacation mixed into our PTO days, his policy is that people need a medical excuse if they take more than six unscheduled PTO days in a year. I'm already at nine. But, all but one of those were while I was working for someone who didn't care how many unscheduled PTO days I took.

It's not the end of the world, but there's a bunch of paperwork I have to do now to prove that with my medical situation, I'm going to have no immunity to things plus the chronic exhaustion from the anemia and b12 deficiency is going to mean that I have a reason for being ill and it isn't just an excuse for missing work. ugh

So much work when my last supervisor didn't care.

Now, I hate to take a sick day when I haven't done the paperwork yet. sigh.

Kindergarten Funny

2009-11-03T12:51:00.002-06:00

OK, this one takes a little bit of set up. "a" is a couple of years behind in learning his letters and numbers. And while he's perfectly intelligent enough to learn them, he just wasn't interested in learning them until recently. AND, with his vision issues, I was warned to expect him to take longer to learn his letters and numbers... so I wasn't terribly worried about it. I did work with him extra and got him assistance through education agencies to try to keep him from falling even further behind. Things have gotten a LOT better since he started school... and I've been repeatedly letting him know how proud I am of him because I know how hard he's been working to learn his letters (and he's finally really coming along with it).

The problem is that his self esteem took quite a ding... and he used to tell me that he was a dummy because he didn't know his letters. I took time to explain to him that it's ok to take longer to learn some things and that that's NOT what being a dummy is. He's actually quite smart, it's just taking him longer. Part of the reason I wanted to put emphasis on him thinking he's smart, he just has to work harder is that I think that if you think you're dumb, you don't even try to learn things. If you realize you are smart and capable of learning, but that sometimes things are harder for you than other things - it's just a matter of trying harder. An important skill I want him to have is the ability to recognize sometimes you have to try harder.

Anyway - about two weeks ago, we were practicing the ABCs while we were driving... and again, I complimented him on how good he was doing and how proud of him I was. He came back and told me that he's "so smart" -- which was a real relief to hear -- and I told him that he absolutely was very smart indeed!

But then he told me that he knew "why" he was so smart.

So, I made a smart-alecy comment, that it was because he got his smarts from his mom.

First, he didn't get the gene reference (can't blame him, he's six) - but beyond that - he said "NO that's not why I'm smart"....

So then I said it was because he had a great brain and was thinking hard and using it.... "NO that's not why I'm smart. I'm smart because I eat SMARTIES (a type of candy)."

OK - that's kind of cute. So I made sure next time "A" saw him, that he asked why "a" was so smart... and he got the response "because I eat SMARTIES" and he thought it was cute too. Not exactly blog-worthy, but definitely cute.

Well just wait... it gets cuter.

Last night "a" called his big brother "A" a dummy. And it isn't the first time. And like every other time I tell him that it's not nice to call someone dumb and why it hurts their feelings and that he shouldn't do it again.

This time (being the umpteenth time I've had this talk) I decided to take it to another level. I talked to "a" about how some people are smarter at making new friends (he is) and some people are smarter at computers (like his brother) and still other people are smarter at other things. And not being smart at something (like computers) doesn't make someone dumb, it just means they haven't taken the time to learn it yet. (Which was probably just a waste of breath anyway because his goal really was to insult his brother and had nothing to do with knowing anything about being smart/being dumb etc)

Anyway... "A" pipes in, "Yeah, you know you aren't the only one who is smart, mommy and I eat smarties too."

Well, that kicked off a diatribe (really) from our six year old about how Smarties don't make you smart, and it's a lame candy, and he doesn't eat it anymore and he doesn't know anyone who eats them anymore and we shouldn't eat them either.... a full two minutes of how "lame" smarties are.

AND to top it off, he points to me and looks me in the eyes to tell me "And you are not my mother anymore" and points to "A" and tells him "and you are not my brother anymore" and he storms out of the room.

I glanced at his brother and started laughing and said, " I think we just got seriously burned by a six year old for eating lame candy."

"A" had to go update his facebook page to tell everyone his brother just dis-owned his entire family over claiming to eat lame candy that we don't really even eat.

Need details, huh?

2009-10-23T14:52:00.002-05:00

Sun, is 35 (so a bit younger; which is something that's become a bit of a trend lately).

He's a complete geek and working for a large tech firm as a final line support person.

He's totally into wine and special beers (but I promised I wouldn't hold it against him).

He's smart & funny; and very, very straightforward (all of which I like very much).

VERY recently divorced and has his six-yr-old daughter every other week for a week and is usually on call the other week.

Totally not interested in a long-term relationship, and since neither am I, it's a pretty good match.

Very nice smile.

Good sex drive... :-)

I'll try sending his facebook id privately - as his facebook account contains a lot of private info (but also a great pic of his smile).

Dating and the Single Parent

2009-10-22T14:19:00.003-05:00

OK, so I've done this single parent thing for a VERY LONG time.

I've also done quite a bit of dating - admittedly on & off...

A policy I came up with after "A" got to be old enough to know anything was to NOT introduce my son to EVERYONE I went out with. If they lasted past the six week mark, then I would introduce them.

The net result was that he didn't see the parade of first-date losers, or the guys where we seemed to have a connection, but then things just don't work out. Admittedly, not everyone that he met didn't last forever... but the ones he met count less than 20 as opposed to the MANY more men that I actually dated.

The only issue that arose is something that I don't think is related to this... but instead more of a generational gap kind of thing. Is that he did assume that I was having sex with everyone I dated. And he did know there were guys that I would go out with once, but never see again. So, he got the impression that I was a bit loose. Even now, I think he struggles with the concept that you can date someone and not have sex with them... but then again, I think he would think of it more like "hanging out together" than dating. To me, hanging out is something you do with friends - not someone you'd eventually like to consider having sex with.... but again - it's probably just the changing times that give us different perceptions.

Well - I'm dating again. This time to a divorced father of one (same age as "a") - let's nickname him Sun.... and we both think that it would be great if we can all four spend time together. But, I'm not quite ready to throw out my minimum six week requirement. He's not pushing me to change it, just commenting that it would be nice for the children to be able to play together and it would be less restrictive for when we can see each other. Since he has his daughter 50% of the time, and I have "a" 95% of the time... it would make it much easier to date.

But, I have a question. He has his daughter this weekend - and "a" is at dad's. I know of a haunted house/halloween party set up for children this weekend and I think his daughter would get a kick out of it.

So, I was thinking about just telling Sun about it... so that he could take his daughter. But to be honest, I'd really like to see Sun this weekend while "a" is out of town. How bad is it that I don't want to introduce my son to him because things might not last very long; yet would be willing to meet his daughter just so I can spend time with him? Seems like it's not very fair. But then again - he doesn't have the same policy - so it's not like she's meeting his other shorter-term dating partners.

And secondly - after all the confusion "A" had as it was even though I had sheltered him from most of the men I dated... it's not like my "policy" really worked to the best benefit. Am I just being too old-fashioned? Should I loosen up and go with the flow?

flu

2009-10-21T19:45:00.001-05:00

OK.... so "a"s school sent home a note indicating that they had a confirmed case of swine flu last week. You know - the week where he had two half-days and two days at home and only one full day at school???? Yep, that week.

So, Sunday night? Guess who came down with the flu? I didn't get him tested, but according to "someone" who claims to be in the know.... it's too soon for the regular flu, and was probably also the swine flu. If so, I'd actually be thankful, glad to be done with it and have it over with.

Bad fever, achy, head-achy, and sneezing/coughing. Little stinker was miserable (and making sure I was too) for a good two days. Feeling somewhat better today, and being fever free for over 24 hours - I sent him to school. Where he threw up after lunch and had to come home anyway for a dentist appt.

Will be VERY happy when he's feeling himself again.

Kindergarden funny

2009-10-20T10:59:00.001-05:00

Mommy - do you have any "yarn balls"?

?Yarn balls? -- "Do you mean a ball of yarn?"

"Yes, a yarn ball" (snicker)

"Why do you want a ball of yarn?"

"Because cats LOVE yarn balls. It's like their job to play with a yarn ball. Can I have one please?"

"Well, you're in luck. I happen to have LOTS and LOTS of balls of yarn."

--- I fetch a small one of scrap yarn....

"MOMMY! MOMMY! I didn't know puppies liked yarn balls. Make Kyra stop stealing the yarn ball away from the kitty."

Kindergarten Funny

2009-10-13T10:29:00.002-05:00

"A" was teasing "a" about how clean his bedroom was and how he just might move home and take over the nice bedroom... and "a" could sleep outside.

"a" was having none of it. He wanted a sign on his door... only he doesn't know how to spell. So he asked "A" to help him. "A" was a good big brother and helped his kid brother spell out the following:

no "A" allowed
this is "a"s bedroom

Things are still going quite well

2009-10-12T09:46:00.002-05:00

I'm feeling great! And can't believe I just typed that. I'm not "healthy" by far, but I am far healthier than I could have ever imagined just a few weeks ago.

I spent four hours of heavy-duty scrubbing and cleaning on Saturday. Quite honestly, even on my best days in the past few years, if I'd spent even an hour of that - I would have paid for it with four days in bed. And, on Sunday, I woke up and felt fine and did a couple of more hours. Plus started exercising again.!!!!

Can you believe it?! I don't think I quite believe it yet myself. I'm thinking I should get in to see my doctor... that he won't believe it until he sees it either.

Still some intermittent numbness along with chronic pain... but the crushing fatigue is reduced down to a merely slightly tired.... HUGE improvement! Just HUGE.

BTW it's freaking cold out - in the 30's today. Brrrrr - I wasn't ready for this.

Took "a" to school today - no crossing guards at their stations... hmmm??? I didn't think they got Columbus day off at school, drove around the corner because it was obvious no school and finally realized that the sign (neatly hidden by bushes) says - 12 No School.... sigh. Couldn't they put something like that near the top of their sign???

Good thing I didn't drop him off, huh?

Progress - lots of it

2009-10-09T16:30:00.002-05:00

I have to admit, I was still pretty skeptical about adding more b12. I was just sure the results would just be temporary, that it really wasn't the problem. And, it still might not be. BUT? After almost a week of adding more b12 to my body? I can't deny that it isn't a big part of the solution.

It's wonderful... I can hardly put into words the differences I've experienced over the past week. I'm going to try because I think the healing process is far more fun story than all the posts about misery... the funny thing is that it's hard to "trust" the healing.

So - for example. Every single morning I would wake up completely exhausted and it would take a good hour for me to be able to completely control my body physically to the point where I could convince myself to get out of bed. If I tried to get out of bed sooner - my hands/arms would shake violently, if I tried to walk I would stumble and weave about like someone who had had too much to drink. My mind would be completely incapable of following through with any one task through to completion - example, I could open the door and attach Kyra's leash, but I wouldn't necessarily remember to shut the door behind her, let her back in, clean up the waste, etc. I would walk to the bathroom to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and have five other detours that would happen enroute even though my only true goal was to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

Now? I'm still oversleeping some - but once my alarm goes off I am awake and able to get out of bed and do the tasks I need to do. I wake up tired, but it feels more like I just haven't gotten enough sleep just yet (like I need to do some catching up) as opposed to being completely exhausted. The trembling is completely gone as is the drunken walking.

I'd lost about 25% of the feeling on my right side and 10% of the feeling on my left side and was having trouble with sensing heat/cold/etc. Showers were miserable because the water was always too cool. Now, other than a couple of small patches, all the feeling has been returned. My shower water is now almost too hot - which is that I can feel all the heat and actually have to turn down the temperature as a result. Funny thing about getting the feeling back is that I actually notice the feeling of the cloth against my skin now and it's almost distracting (although entirely welcome).

Problems with chronic pain continue. In fact, I was in severe whole-body-aching on Wednesday. Supposedly b12 helps with toxin elimination and the symptoms I was experiencing is similar to the symptoms that were declared as possible in the past cleanse I did a few weeks ago. So, I'm going to rack it up as part of the healing process and hope it doesn't come back often.

My once-daily headaches are completely gone.

My energy level is back - but it's kind of weird. I've spent a large part of the past three years debating EVERY SINGLE little task that I needed to do. Which was more important? For every single thing I did, there was a penalty associated with doing it. A cost. Out of 20 things I really wanted to do on a given day, I knew that I would only have energy for five of them... so I spent a lot of time deciding which five things were going to get handled that day and knowing that the penalty of doing all five was that I would be down for the count by 6:00 pm. I'm really struggling with this (which seems really odd to me)... because now that I have 20 things to do and I should probably have plenty of energy to do 10 of them... suddenly I'm not sure which things to do. I am scared to death that if I try to do too many tasks that I'll be right back where I started from. It's like a mental block is in place preventing me from going back to the old mindset of you take care of as much as you can, and if you do too much, you just do a little less the next day... seems like I should be able to overcome this pretty easily... however, I'm not there yet.

I've decided to cut myself some slack, since we're only a week into this and give myself time to adjust, but I feel guilty that I'm not tackling the mountain of tasks I need to do. I am knitting a Christmas Stocking for a United Way fundraiser and it's due in a couple of weeks (and I've got my own goal of finishing it a week sooner)... so I'm sitting still a lot and knitting. It's as if I think that saving this newly found energy will benefit me in some way. Not sure that it makes any sense at all to do so... as the more active you get, the more endorphins you tend to create and the more energy you get. However, for the past four years none of that would apply to me. So, I just don't trust it yet now that I think I'm starting to get better. Very weird.... I wonder if that's part of the healing process to go through the mental change needed to take advantage of the new energy and trust that things will work the way they are expected to.

I was having episodes where my ankle and/or wrists would completely lose all strength - mostly only a problem if I was walking and/or trying to support my weight with my hands. All of which is completely not a symptom any more.

I had trouble with a burning, stabbing pain on my tongue which was making it hard to talk - completely gone.

Dizziness? I was dizzy 24-7. Completely gone - no longer do I have to periodically close my eyes when walking down a hall where the art work was in wave patterns and used to make me nearly vomit.

Burning, watery eyes? I used to have to pull my car over to a complete stop because my eyes would suddently hurt so badly and would be pouring out tears to the point where I couldn't keeep my eyes open and couldn't see to drive. Stopped completely.

Chest pain? Still have some pressure ... but it's pressure not someone is stabbing me chest pain, grab my chest in pain kind of pain.

Irritability and shortness? I've started sing-songing to Alex again and we went to the park together the other night just "because". Picked up ice cream because he'd had a bad day and I thought it would be a nice treat even though he hadn't had dinner yet. Now, this might not be all good... as I find that the things that really used to tick me off suddenly aren't any more... which maybe isn't the right parental behavior yet... but I didn't feel all that angry even after he'd written on the lcd tv with sharpie marker. I simply got out the windex wipes to see if they would work, and they sure did. So, there was no point in getting more angry than simply to tell Alex not to EVER do it again unless he was willing to give up watching tv for a month.

I just feel like I'm living a completely new life. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck with the old bills and the messy house from not being well for a couple of years along with a child who is used to being able to get away with things... but we can fix that if I am really on the road to recovery.

Hmmm ... do I dare get my hopes up again?

2009-10-05T10:25:00.002-05:00

I went to a new nuerologist... wanted to discuss the fact that I had so many symptoms of MS but other than an MRI, there hasn't been anyone who wanted to seriously discuss why it wasn't MS in the past.

Big waste of time and money. He actually told me a) I have too many MS symptoms for it to be MS (which sounds pretty fishy to me) b) a clean MRI means no MS in his opinion (which sort of stopped me short - because if it's his opinion, it doesn't matter that I found multiple online sites that indicate that people can receive benefit from treatment even if MRIs were clean - facts are arguable, opinions are just that - opinions)..... and c) that it was probably a somatoform disorder... which is a fancy name for the condition they used to diagnose around a hundred years ago as hysteria... after all if a woman is complaining of poor health and you can't figure out what it is, it must be psychological. He REFUSED to consider any treatment for my symptoms unless I agreed to a psychiatric examination.

UMMM... I agreed at the time, because I don't have anything against psychology -- doesn't really matter if I think he's off his rockers if he thinks this is all in my head; more as a goad to want to prove him wrong.... but then again? What a waste of time and money!!!

ANYWAY - I went online to my support groups that I still visit a lot about clotting; and one of the women on there was venting about the fact that there are still patients getting put on an antidepressent for menopause symptoms... well, at least you don't feel bad that you're feeling unwell... right? So, I couldn't help responding... I typed up pretty much the first three paragraphs of this blog post - and mentioned that to date the only medication they have me on for my undiagnosed illness is an antidepressent... which comes first, the feeling ill and being treated like there's something psychotic about you or being depressed and then getting ill? UMMM I think the first is true... its depressing to get that 'look' - the look that's stating that you're just a hypochondriac because you're trying to fight for your own health... being proactive and not just sitting at home continously getting ill.

Guess what? She brought back up the B12 deficiency... because of my repeating the statement that bears repeating - "I have too many MS symptoms for it to be MS"... I believe I do have b12 deficiency, many family members have been diagnosed with it, however, I'm taking b12 and my test results are now normal... BUT, she had one sentence in her short email (wish I knew how to get to the point that quickly, don't you??).... "Most patients with normal test levels can still suffer symptoms until their dosage is increased and that most practitioners in the US are under-treating this condition".... hmmm... I investigated and found multiple studies online.

There might be some truth to this. But, I responded back - the specialists already think I'm nuts... how am I going to convince my doctors that they shouldn't trust test results for my treatment. Seems a little off.... and I'm already getting the 'look'.

And then I did some more searching. Its IMPOSSIBLE to get too much B12 in your system, there isn't any risk with taking more B12... you could take 1000 times the regular dose with no negative impact (not that I would)... and I got to thinking. Hmmm... I don't have to tell the doctor... as long as I don't go crazy and over do.

So, unfortunately, I'm almost out of B12 supplements. But, I did take 3 on Saturday, and since I'm almost out, only 1 on Sunday.

This morning when I woke up? I've recovered almost ALL of the feeling on both my left and right sides. Still a few numb patches and still some periods of increased numbness... BUT I regained A LOT OF FEELING!!!! woohoo!!!

So, without discussion with my doctor, my plan is to gradually increase my dosage over the next month and see how I feel. If I'm feeling like I do today, I'm going to shove the psychologist up the nuerologists *ss and let them tell me it's all in their head. Well, not really, but wow! I'm almost in tears.

Did you know that the Japanese standardly start their treatment out at 10 times a higher dosage than is common in the US and that the US is notoriously bad at diagnosing and treating this condition. Did you know that as this condition worsens, it causes MS lesions in the brain (which at least maybe I would finally have gotten put on MS medications, far too late, and probably with little effect)... Did you know it can also cause pernicious anemia - which can be fatal if not aggressively treated? I was at the bare minimum dosage... and then told that the fact that I wasn't feeling well was due to psychological trauma I incurred as a child. Bull cr*p.

Not all my symptoms are gone, and maybe, this isn't the answer to my prayers. But, it is helping. And if I find out that there are other things that it doesn't help, well maybe then.... they might find a single condition that was being exasperated and impossible to find because of all the B12 deficiency symptoms. I would really HATE to get my hopes up again... but my head is already starting to clear; I can feel the coldness of a breeze on my face again, the feel of my son's hair when I touch the top of his head.... I'm already pleased, and it's been only 48 hours.... only 48 hours after FOUR years of virtual misery. There is hope.... there is.... it's a scared it's going to get dashed and slaughtered little sliver of a thing, but it exists.

Just when I thought I had the cold lunch thing handled

2009-09-30T14:33:00.002-05:00

Guess what Grandma did? She bought "a" a spiderman lunch box. ugh

So, I pretended it was a nice toy carrier and hoped we wouldn't need to go revisit that mom isn't really ready to pack cold lunches.

Well, sort of.

"a" took it upon himself to prepare a meal while I was giving the dog a bath last night. He actually didn't do all bad... but - sigh.

He heated up two frozen waffles - placed them on a plate, smothered them with maple syrup; then asked me to help. He needed sliced apples... which he then layered on top of the waffles; and then? He had to sprinkle cold cereal on top. (I thought he was fixing himself something to eat immediately)... so I even helped. When I asked him where he got the idea - he showed me a picture on the side of the waffle box. Sure enough... sliced apples and cold cereal on top matched the picture pretty well.

BUT then he slid the whole thing off the plate and into the lunch box and informed me he was ready for school ?!?!

I had to explain that some things don't keep very well, and some messy things don't travel very well. At least I managed to convince him to eat his creation for dinner last night (so it didn't all go to waste); but then informed him I needed to wash the lunch box before he can use it for lunch.

I'm thinking he's out-witting me and I'm going to be stuck packing lunches.... sigh!

Gotta give him credit for creativity though - LOL

Kindergarten Funny

2009-09-30T14:28:00.002-05:00

I about split my gut when "a" pulled one of his homework sheets out of his backpack. I decided that he'll just have to forgive me when the time comes and he's old enough to be embarrassed that I put this in my blog.

Admittedly, without a scanner and to cut the clutter that he drew showing how strong he was... I re-created this in paint (but I tried to be as accurate as possible).

My forgetfulness is probably not unappreciated

2009-09-27T00:05:00.002-05:00

So - coupons winners are:

COLLEEN AND CPULLUM

The way I figure it, they aren't going to complain that I forgot to post links to my coupon giveaway to get more entries - LOL.!

Emails coming shortly so I can get snail mail addresses (even if you've sent it in the past, as I didn't keep them).

Coupon Giveaway

2009-09-20T11:20:00.003-05:00

OK - haven't done this for a while... but I finally dug through all of my coupons last night, tossed all the expired ones (some were from back in April). And I sorted through the ones I had left and the vast majority are ones that I will not have any need for... so its time for a giveaway.

Since its not the end of the month yet - I stuck to only coupons that expire in about 30 days from now.

Thought I'd do it slightly differently this time - I'm going to send two envelopes with approximately 75 coupons per envelope. Since there's usually only 4 or so people signing up, this will raise the odds of winning... although I do plan on posting a link in cafe mom, so maybe that will drive up interest.

To enter, leave a comment before 10:00 pm CST Saturday, Sept 26, 2009. Leave an email address in the comment (or have it associated with a blogger account). I will email the two individuals who are selected via random number drawing; and they will need to send me their snail mail address within 48 hours or I will draw again.

More energy?

2009-09-20T11:11:00.002-05:00

OK, so, when it comes down to a minute-by-minute type of thing.... I don't feel better. I'm still completely exhuasted, all the time.

However, apparently - I must be feeling just a bit better. Friday morning, when I was getting ready for work and waiting for time to take "a" to school... I decided to hit one of the duties I need to hit; Im always struggling to keep the laundry caught up, or there are always dishes to do, or the cat litter to change. And my usual routine is to see which of these three tasks are the most out of control; and to try to tackle it since five minutes on any of these tasks can make a dent. And, lo and behold, for the first time in at least a year if not longer; all three were done. This like NEVER happens.

Saturday, I went into as bedroom, to capture dirty laundry (so of course, that means I'm behind in laundry again already - sigh) ... but after I was finished, I still had more energy - so I picked up almost seventy books and put them away so that we can tackle the toys next (which if he doesn't pick them up means they get put into my closet)... and usually, if I do either of those kinds of things; I'm beyond exhausted and of no use for a couple of days. But, instead, I finished knitting a sweater, started working on his blanket again, AND I went through and sorted through and clipped all of my coupons.

OMG - can you believe it? I may still feel exhausted, but I'm no longer completely incapable of functioning. That means something cool is happening. I'm not going to go around jumping up and down about it, but I do have to admit to feeling less stressed out about my health.

15-day cleanse details

2009-09-16T16:31:00.002-05:00

Ok, so the cleanse I'm doing isn't the "standard" that I've heard from others.

I'm taking a "CellClear" supplement 4 pills x 2 times a day for 15 days -- that's designed supposedly to remove toxins from your body at a cellular level. This could cause negative side effects on it's own, because removing the toxins from the cellular level means that they have to go somewhere - as in, back into the blood/process stream.

I'm also taking "BioClear" supplement 8 pills at bedtime for the same 15 days -- that's designed to take toxins within your body (released by the CellClear) and "bind to them" to help them pass out of the system harmlessly. Side-effects include constipation - so very much unlike some of the cleanses my mother and sister-in-law used to do.

Other than taking the pills on an empty stomach and drinking a lot of water; there really are NO changes to diet. I'm eating exactly what I would eat/drink if I wasn't on the cleanse.

On day 7 now, and still no negative side-effects, not even slightly. No positive side-effects either, but then again, I wouldn't expect them to be immediately apparant.

Question about "cleansing"

2009-09-14T14:18:00.003-05:00

OK - so obviously my health is not the best. And I've been doing A LOT to try to resolve it. The medical doctors have all pretty much given up on me.

The naturapath has done what she could.

The chiropractor is doing his best, and I am seeing very slight improvement (wish it was more) - BUT, he has also promised that he won't give up. (wow?!)

Anyway, he's put me on a 15-day cleanse supplements. Usually people start out with a 15-day pre-cleanse preparation so that the 15-day cleanse isn't too uncomfortable. But he knows just how miserable I am already and felt that I really needed to just jump in. Apparently the side effects (esp. the first four days) are to make you really tired. Since I'm already there, I figured, eh, what's four days of tiredness on top of tiredness - what ever it takes.

So, now. My question - I'm on day 5 and I feel EXACTLY the same. There were no negative side effects - at all, not even the slightly, almost there sort. Even though they swore that it's USUALLY not a good idea to jump right in without doing the prep work because the side effects are so much worse. Now, I don't feel any better yet either - however, I figure that I've got ten more days of treatment and even then it might take a while before I feel the full effects. I'm just a bit shocked that I don't feel any worse.

So, does this mean that I'm so bad that I was as bad as it gets, ergo, this is what I really need? Or does it mean it's not doing anything? at all? sigh.... I'm hoping for the first, since I've never, ever done anything like this before.... but who knows.

Dirt, it's what's for dinner

2009-09-09T18:58:00.001-05:00

Mom, I HATE school.

You MUST fix a cold lunch for me because hot lunch has poisonous apples and dirt.

Do you want me to die?
--------------------------
Sent using BlackBerry

Kindergarten funny

2009-08-27T12:09:00.001-05:00

So, "a" has been VERY upset with me. He does NOT want to eat hot lunch. I MUST make him a cold lunch to take to school.

I assume that there are lots of kids therefor taking lunch to school and he's feeling a bit put out. I remind him that so far for lunch, his options have been hot dogs, pizza, macaroni & cheese, and a hamburger. Seriously? Does it get any better than that?

Anyway, Friday he came home from school claiming that hot lunch was going to kill him. It is. They are serving poisonous leaves (I assume this is actually the salad option they provide daily). No, it's not lettuce, he claims - it's leaves off of the tree and it's poison. I remind him that they don't make him eat it and he doesn't have to eat it if he doesn't want to.

Yesterday he came home absolutely raving over how "it was very delicious" ... "very, very delicious" apparently. I'm still not sure exactly what it was - because he called it straw-water-lemon-berry-aide-melon-berry. (He love's strawberries and watermelon and gets them confused). But, whatever it was, it must have been good.

So, I dared to propose that maybe he doesn't need to take a cold lunch after all since hot lunch is so good.

He had to think on it for a while, and then he finally concluded that his best option would be that I would still pack a cold lunch, he could take it to school and put it in his cubby, but then eat the hot lunch instead. When asked why he needed a cold lunch he didn't plan on eating? Because there's an empty place where his cold lunch needs to go.

First Day of Kindergarten

2009-08-21T10:20:00.001-05:00

"a" has a very pretty teacher (has to help!).... and has genuinely enjoyed his first day of school.

Pic didn't get saved correctly, so I'll have to post it a bit later.

funny enough

2009-08-03T13:18:00.002-05:00

Part of my reason for posting this morning was to talk about the fact that this past weekend I had a couple of glimpses of time (far, far too short) where I could think clearly and comprehensively. I had noticed that I felt like I was having trouble concentrating and thinking clearly... but until the clouds cleared I had no idea just how bad it had gotten. AND, even worse? Now that I feel all fuzzy-thinking and cloudy again? Now, I really realize just how poor my concentration and thinking skills are. I'm kind of amazed that I still have a technical job where clear thinking is needed. You would think that with this much difficulty putting two and two together, that I wouldn't be able to get anything done. I'm still getting things done, but it's like I'm in a daze.

I found it funny that I couldn't think through far enough - that I ended up creating a post that completely missed the point I was trying to get too.... which is that I'm starting to see glimpses of who I used to be and how clearly I used to think. I'm not 100% there yet, but am absolutely thrilled to death that the possibility now exists that I might get some of that back! And no, I don't care if I'm getting my hopes up too soon. You wouldn't believe how wonderful it was to be able to think after a couple of years of cloudy, confused mess of a mind that I've been carrying around with me. Glimpses were great - enough for me to get hopeful.

Progress?

2009-08-03T10:33:00.002-05:00

So, if my current health issues are the result of long term pressure on the base of my skull from poor neck alignment (as per my chiro)... there are a ton of symptoms that go back further than the past five years that could attribute to that kind of condition.

It's just that over time, the condition got so severe, as did my symptoms.

If I go back in time - ten to fifteen years ago (during my second marriage) - I struggled with daily stress headaches and occasional migraines. I had flares of trouble with my wrists and elbows (which still flares up occasionally if I overdo it). Another five years before that was when I first started having trouble with my wrists and elbows.

Interestingly enough, I stopped having trouble with headaches ten years ago. At that time I assumed it was because I was going through major life changes - changed careers, got divorced, started living MY life MY way instead of my ex's way. I assumed that accompanied by a lot of stress reductions, that I was lowering my stress levels, ergo I was getting better.

But what if - what if the pressure on the base of my skull was compromising the ability to feel headache pain?

After about two weeks of chiro treatment - I have started having daily headaches and my first migraine. Good news is that chiro is very good treatment for headaches. Bad news is that I really don't want any headaches.

Good news is that I am starting to regain some feeling - my right side is still less 'sensitive' than my left side. But a gentle sweep of the fingers from my left to right side (which I wouldn't have felt two weeks ago) -- I can now feel on both sides. More on the left still, still less on my right - but I'm regaining feeling.

I'm certain that with continued chiro care the headaches will fade quickly and are simply an uncomfortable step in the healing process (hopefully).

Wish me luck!

Migraine

2009-07-30T11:25:00.002-05:00

My first migraine in over 10 years - and woah! Did it knock me for a loop.

Am thinking that it's related to the chiro adjustments; and as he's trying to correct my neck, we've managed to uncover the piece that had given me migraines so long ago. Good news is that he was able to alleviate it - but I spent the day in bed anyway; trying to recover.

I had the typical, avoid light, avoid moving, avoid noise issues - with some nauseau -- pretty typical migraine symptoms. My thought process wasn't too clear - also fairly typical.

However, I also had diarrhea and was constantly peeing.... runny nose, sweats... not fun.

Today, I'm back at work. Still have a massive headache - but I'm moving, talking, and functioning ... which isn't what I was all about yesterday. Have another chiro appointment today; and if things are still rough tomorrow - will probably go again tomorrow.

In the meantime some dumb*ss decided we had to convert an application from SQL Server to Oracle - and they swore it would only take a few hours. Now, I'm going through every single data query and re-writing them and trying to get the application back up and running. We've kept it on SQL Server for now while I work to get it up and running on Oracle and then we'll move the data again later. But, geez. Their "few hours" has already been counted up to 10 hours of my time, and I've got about 80 more to go. Great estimating folks.

Camping Trip

2009-07-23T13:57:00.002-05:00

So, last weekend, "a" and I went camping.

I've been wanting to take him camping for years, but with my health, it just never seemed like a good idea.

As it was, it still didn't seem like a glorious idea, but I did think that it was long overdue, and that at six, he would at least be old enough not to take off on me where I'd have to worry about his safety.

He had fantastic fun, I had some fun and a ton of work, but am still glad we went.

I packed up the car on Wednesday night - and we drove to Eastern Iowa Thursday morning - spent a couple of hours setting up the tent, and getting the gear all organized at the campsite. Felt like we had the place to ourselves, and our site was immediately next to the lake - it really was a pretty place to camp. The first night was extremely cold - it dropped down to about 50 degrees. Not so bad after that.

Biggest advantage to our spot (besides being right on the lake) was an enormous old oak tree. Biggest disadvantage to our spot was the 20 degree incline over the whole lot - good news was that it was easy enough to set the tent up with our heads uphill - so sleeping wasn't impacted. On the other hand, we tended to tip over a lot in our camp chairs, and cooking in a skillet on an incline was an experience that I could have lived without.

"a" got to fish for the first time, learning to cast, didn't quite get to the point of putting a worm on the hook, and didn't catch anything, but, it's still a good start. He went swimming a couple of times although it was unseasonably cool still through the whole weekend.

He was really, really good on Friday and really impressed me because I had managed to overdo things on thursday setting up camp and was completely miserable - we spent the entire afternoon, early evening in the tent so I could lay down because of the pain; and he sat beside me quietly, playing - until he fell asleep and took a long nap.

On Saturday, my sister, her two children, three grandchildren, and her son's girlfriend stopped by - which was nice. Plus, "a" had a blast playing with his cousins and showing them around.

However, my sister also managed to invite two men - one of whom she works with (and is always flirting with her) and his friend. The "friend" is a guy that she decided a couple of years ago really needed to meet me. In fact, at some point back then, I had to provide a picture (because he's got taste supposedly) and -- in fact, got told that the picture was a bit too blurry and he wanted a better picture (whatever!).

Anyway - she decided to take last weekend as the perfect opportunity to spring him on me. OMG. I'm still furious with her. It isn't so much that she's trying to set me up (although that's bad enough) -- it's the actual guy that she thought I should meet. I don't even know how to explain how completely NOT appropriate this guy would be for me. The first "glowing" recommendation is the rude hand gesture he made when joking about his favorite activity outside of watching tv. Really - REALLY not ok. Seriously NOT acceptable. I could have killed her. Instead, I spent a couple of hours "entertaining" these two guys while she took the kids swimming. I felt a little better that at least my son wasn't getting overly exposed to these losers, but still? What was she thinking?

Anyway, Sunday was the pack-up and head-home day ... and I ended up leaving a lot of the camping gear in the car. Spent Monday at home on PTO (planned for it) in recovery. Didn't feel terrific, but my new chiropractor certainly made it a little more tolerable.

My first 6 yr old funny

2009-07-10T09:17:00.001-05:00

"a" usually takes 20 minutes or longer to wake up in the morning; and another 20-30 minutes to get dressed.... today he was awake and dressed in less than a minute flat.

While I was wondering where my son had disappeared to - he announced to me.... "Graham and Liam told me I was a slow poke. But, I'm not. I'm a fast poke."

Got an initial interview

2009-07-08T11:27:00.002-05:00

So, HR is calling me to screen me to see if I'm qualified for the job I had up until two weeks ago (when my boss transferred me to another position without discussing it with me first and then posted my position for someone else to apply for).

Guess I'm glad I'm still in the running for my job I'd already been hired to do and was doing for two years and earning top marks on my performance reviews.

Needed to vent a hair before I call HR up this afternoon as I'm still a bit ticked off about the whole thing.

Five Year old Funny

2009-06-29T13:56:00.001-05:00

OK - so this may be the last one.... Friday is the 6th birthday!

Last night we were all going out for dinner for my birthday ("A" insisted on paying).... and I didn't feel like going to any of my favorite restaurants.

So, we asked "a" where he wanted to go.

"China"

So - to China we went - and it was yummy!

July Coupon Winner

2009-06-29T11:32:00.001-05:00

Steph said...: I'd love to win the coupons! Thanks so much for the giveaway! :)

Thanks for entering!

Steph, I've sent you an email, please contact me with your mailing address so I can get these out to you ASAP.

Thanks!

After 3 days out ill, boss returned yesterday

2009-06-26T09:27:00.002-05:00

So, I finally had a chance to ask her why & how things happened.

1) She had to go through and define strict "roles" for each person on the team - and define how well that role fit into the structure. One fella got laid off because his role didn't fit in well (which is a bit bogus, but that's besides the point). My role used to be consultant; but because I've also been doing some programming - she decided I didn't want to be a data mapper anymore and that I wanted to be in server support (which I did manage to straighten out).

2) It wasn't until long after all of that that she was given an option to add another consultant for another group... and at that point since I'd already gotten 'labeled' as server support, it never occurred to her that I might want to be a consultant.

In all honesty? Honest mistakes - but I set out to make sure we were clear that although I enjoy programming (specifically programming software that simplifies processes for handing information)... that my career goals fall more in line with working between business & technical....

One of the things that I loved about working for a small department where both roles exist is that I was given flexibility to do a little of both. Apparently, HR won't allow that anymore. That's fine, it just would have been nice to have had a little discussion about this before decisions were made. I would have no problem having another programmer taking over my latest program and letting me get back to my goals. I could still work with that programmer to ensure that the program does what we need it to do. AND, I could get more work done. I've got no problems with that - but my boss thought it would be the last thing I would want to happen.

So, I now get to apply for my old position. Along with everyone else. So, we'll see how it goes. I'm tempted to apply for a couple of other positions while I'm at it... if I could be sure my supervisor would be aware of it... not because I want to switch to another department (as I really kind of don't) -- but so that she realizes that if I'm just one candidate for the job, then it's just one job I'd be interested in getting. (dirty pool???)

July Coupon Giveaway

2009-06-23T13:34:00.001-05:00

I have a stack of between 100 and 125 coupons that will expire NO SOONER than 7/31/2009 (and some later than) to giveaway to someone leaving a comment! Please leave a comment by 10:0o pm CDST on 6/28/2009 to enter. If you do not have a blog with email address; leave your email address in the comment.

I will draw a random number on Sunday & email the lucky winner. They will have 48 hours to respond with their snail mail address... (or another winner will be selected). And the coupons will be sent ASAP.

I think it's time I faced my biggest fear

2009-06-23T12:28:00.002-05:00

I've been told repeatedly that what is wrong with me "couldn't possibly be mulitple sclerosis". Sounds good right?

But then I ask - but isn't that extremely hard to diagnose? True, they say, but you don't show any of the common symptoms. Sounds great right?

I don't have lesions that appear in my MRIs - which are fairly common in ms and a common way to identify it. Wonderful, right?

But, still a nagging thought keeps pestering me.

So, I'm looking into it. I do not appear to have one of the most common symptoms which is muscle weakness/paralysis ... however, I do appear to have the other eight most common symptoms of ms. Which does NOT mean I have ms - since symptoms are very general - and could mean lots of things. But, if they can't be explained by anything else? ms becomes a real possibility. And, my $50K in medical debt is proof positive that we've tried to rule everything else out.

One other "symptom" that makes it unlikely - is that I have several symptoms that come & go multiple times a day .... whereas ms symptoms tend to last at least 24 hours or longer -- but, if you look back at a chart of when I'm suffering from these symptoms - I tend to go several months of having episodes or several months where I don't.

Not having lesions in the MRI? Apparently 25% of ms patients don't get those in the early stages of the disease.

It's not that I think I have ms... so much as I'm afraid I *might* have ms. It was very easy to take at face value the statements "it can't possibly be ms"; be thankful; and try not to think too hard about it. I think I have to dig a little deeper and push a little harder for clearer answers as to why they don't think it's ms. Because eight out of ten symptoms does NOT seem like it should get ruled out without digging deeper.

I can't seem to find anyone in the area who specializes in ms... but I did get a name of a nuerologist who apparently has a photographic memory.... because if it isn't ms, it's likely to be some extremely rare and hard to diagnose condition... and I think I want to broach the subject along the lines of "prove to me it isn't ms".... if he can find another condition - great - at least then I can start treatment. If he can't but he can prove beyond a reasonable doubt that it isn't ms, even better. If that doesn't happen, perhaps then at least they can put me on some medication "in case it is ms" which would slow the progress if it is ms; and probably do no harm if it isn't ms. If it works - all the better, if it doesn't - doesn't that say something as well???

Just to make sure I'm clear - I don't think I have ms, and I certainly don't want to get diagnosed with it. But, I've got something - and dozens of doctors haven't been able to figure out what it is other than to pinpoint that they believe it's something nuerological. I'm getting worse and their only treatment at this point is to put me on an anti-depressent. I'm just thinking that it's time to find out for certain it really isn't ms... so that the nagging worry in the back of my mind can finally be put to rest.

Boss still out sick

2009-06-23T11:09:00.002-05:00

sigh

I really need to get out the "you screwed me over without meaning to" in a more politically correct manner...

There is SO much work and if there wasn't an opportunity to hire someone else, I wouldn't complain... I would just do the best I could to help.

But, now? Knowing that they're hiring someone to take the title of the job I used to have (and want) and they want me to do the things I used to do about fifteen years ago? (which I don't want).

Sigh -- talk about being unmotivated.

"A" is still working

2009-06-22T10:15:00.002-05:00

Been two and a half weeks. AND, employer seems to be thrilled. "A" is the only employee and is apparently doing a great job. Working lots of hours... leaving the restaurant cleaner when he leaves than when he arrives. etc. etc.

Parole office accepted a letter from the employer stating that he was employed as proof of employment. "A" has started to pay his fines.

He was looking to get an apartment, but I think I've temporarily talked him out of it. It would do him far better good to save up his money while still living cheaply and have enough for a down-payment, etc.

So far, so good.

Plus, we all went swimming yesterday and on the way to dropping him off at the Y afterwards, we talked a little bit about fathers day. He told me I did far better raising him alone than any time he could have spent with his father. (is it too soon to hope he's growing up a little????)

Work - ugh!

2009-06-22T09:51:00.002-05:00

OK - so somehow some wires got crossed at work.

We were short-handed, and I was told that I would need to help provide production support. Do some systems support (i.e., making sure servers were up and running, configured correctly, etc). I wasn't given a choice. Ok - no problem... I can help out. I got trained about two years ago, but then things all got changed around... and most of what I got trained on isn't being used any more. Since then, things got all hectic in the area I was working on, and that was the bigger priority. So, I never really got trained in support again.

So, for the past six to seven months, my supervisor keeps bringing up the fact that I haven't been working in support, but she kept coming back and realizing that whatever else I was doing was still more critical.

So, guess what? We had a re-org (which happens about every six months or so)... and I got a new job title. Systems Support Analyst. ? AND -- they posted a full-time position with the EXACT job title of the job I USED TO HAVE -- and THAT I WANTED TO KEEP. GRRRR....

So, we're short-handed? And we have permission to hire more people - and instead of keeping me on the career path I CHOSE to have, you sideline me into a career path I DO NOT WANT - and you're going to hire someone else to do the job I would prefer to do? WTF?

I'm ANGRY about the whole thing. Not to mention that the new career means downgrade in benefits? I'm PISSED OFF.

It's not like they even talked to me about the options. Or that I was given a choice. I was basically just trying to be a good team player and willing to take on extra duties if it will help; but I NEVER volunteered to change my career choices.

GRRRRR

So, knowing that I recently screwed up and wasn't as politically correct in recent history; and worried that that was part of the reason why I was side-lined; I put out feelers. I talked confidentially with other team members to find out if the job opening would work for me (they all were a) in agreement that I'd be perfect for the task and b) angry that I was getting moved off-line to work in support).

So, today, I set up an appointment with my supervisor to discuss options and to inform her that I was not pleased and that I was going to apply for the other position. And... she's home sick today... so after over a week's preparation to go to her and complain and attempt to not burn any bridges while trying to find a way to correct any mis-guided attempts at helping me (as I'm not telling her that she derailed my career plans point-blank)... I now have no one to vent to.

Thanks for letting me vent!!!

If I had known all it took was another vent....

2009-06-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

"A" has a job.

"A" had a hearing today and will NOT have to go to jail, but does have to return in a month with proof of employment.

Issue is that "A" got a job with someone who would prefer to pay him under the table. So, we'll see.

But, he's got a job - a JOB... one step further. He's working 6 nights a week, making sandwiches at a hole in the wall, with only one sandwich choice offered. Good ones... but only one option. Busiest after 2:00 am when the bars close. Only employee.... owner works noon hour - to afternoon, "A" is to come in and spell him; then owner returns around bar closing time and they work until the customers are done coming in.

"A" is now looking for an apartment, so we'll see....

June Coupon Winner!

2009-06-08T09:12:00.001-05:00

Congratulations!

Kristy said...: Thank you so much for such a generous giveaway! We love coupons.The name of your blog is so cute!

Kristy has been notified via email.

a's graduation

2009-06-04T10:17:00.002-05:00

Preschool held a graduation ceremony ... :-)

Unfortunately, my batteries died in the camera as we waited for the little guys to come out of the classroom.

I did manage to get one picture from my camera phone - it s*cks, but it's a pic.

I should know better than get my hopes up

2009-06-04T09:42:00.003-05:00

I do NOT have hypersomnia.

I probably do NOT have symptoms from B6 toxicity.

Doesn't matter that 99% of the symptoms match my undiagnosed condition between the two conditions.

So? What's next? They want to put me on Prozac. hmmm....

At least there is a "next" - I shouldn't be so frustrated.

BUT, I'm so sick of being sick and tired... and not having any diagnosis.

My doctor is truly awesome though, at least I feel like I'm getting competent medical care now even if we're still without a diagnosis. He's really sympathetic, listens well, discussing things thoroughly and not at all like the pr*ck that I saw a couple of weeks ago - who had rather rudely suggested that I had been wasting everyone's time since it was SO obvious it was B6 toxicity; and he felt like the blood test was a waste of time (blood test came back low end of normal -- so hence, my currently getting worse should not be a result of too high levels).

I'm starting to lose feeling on my left side... sigh.

And although I don't wear heels every day, I'm still very sad that my balance issues have now driven me to only wearing flats - as heels & difficulty walking don't mix very well. My balance issues - although much less severe than a couple of years ago has become a constant companion again. At least this time (well, at least so far) I am still able to walk - albeit on flats.... sigh.

I've spoken to my supervisor - she's aware that things are going down hill... and that we may have a day at some uncertain time in the near future where I might have to work from home for an unknown amount of time. If I can't walk - then I shouldn't drive; which means I'll need to work from home. I'm hoping that it doesn't go so far this time, but there are no guarantees in life and I'm just extraordinarily lucky to work for a company where working from home will be an option.

I start seeing a counselor on Monday - "a" is having 2-3 potty accidents per day again; and I think the root of it is all the stress I'm living under and my inability to keep from passing that stress down.... from the "no, you have to get up and get dressed NOW" to the "no, you don't have time to eat breakfast, eat this cereal bar and get in the car NOW" to the "no, mommy's too tired to __________" -- fill in the blank.... just about everything falls into that category.

I figure if I can lower my stress levels, his will automatically lower as well. If that's not enough, then I might have to set him up to start counseling as well... he really doesn't have anyone to talk to besides his daddy... and his brother (who isn't very sympathetic).

"A" is still not working, and is at risk for getting a 10 to 15 day sentence in county jail for probation violation (the not working and not paying the fines part along with missing too many appointments). I don't know what it's going to take to get him to wake up and figure out that he's screwing things up worse and that he's just going to have to buckle down, take a job that he probably won't like and figure out how he can improve his fortunes from there.

My apartment is becoming a complete disaster zone - I do take time every day to pick up or do dishes or do a load of laundry, but honestly? Between the puppy who takes things out of the garbage and hides them and the child who drops things on the floor with impunity... I am SO NOT keeping up. It's gotten to the point where it's really, REALLY bothering me. But, I'm so stressed out that I can't do anything about it. While we're waiting until August (the first, best chance I have to file bankruptcy per my lawyer)... I've got a little bit of spending money that I won't have post-bankruptcy. So, I decided I was going to hire someone to come in and start cleaning to get at least the top layer of grime off.... and ... being a mom... I offered the job to "A" first. He's been out once - and he did a good job of taking it really seriously - I asked him to come out once a week and give a good, solid 4 hours of work in. He did, and it has really helped. Now, if I can keep it from degrading too much before the weekend, his next pass should get things that much more clean; and so on... I'm hoping that by August the apartment isn't going to need 4 hours a week and I can afford maybe 2 hours every two weeks or some other such smaller amount of time & cost -- and hopefully, by then, he's got a better main job and having less money from me won't be a hardship, but could perhaps give him a little money towards paying fines, and what-not. (not holding my breath, but one could hope).

June coupon giveaway!

2009-06-01T11:30:00.002-05:00

My bad - a week late.... I usually want these to end the end of the month prior.... sigh.

BUT, never too late?

I have a stack of between 100 and 125 coupons that will expire NO SOONER than 6/30/2009 (and some later than) to giveaway to someone leaving a comment! Please leave a comment by 10:0o pm CDST on 6/6/2009 to enter. If you do not have a blog with email address; leave your email address in the comment.

I will draw a random number on Sunday & email the lucky winner. They will have 48 hours to respond with their snail mail address... (or another winner will be selected). And the coupons will be sent ASAP.

Lately the coupon karma gods have not been overly kind (bad Walgreens for quiting their monthly rebate program).... so hopefully, sharing the love will work out well!

Five Year old funnies and an animal rescue

2009-05-21T18:34:00.002-05:00

Sorry I haven't posted much.

Still struggling with my health - the fatigue is nearly unbearable... but I wanted to post a couple of fun conversations I've had with "a" lately (before I forget them).

I've never been a huge fan of pork & beans (pinto beans in a tomato sauce with some bacon fat mixed in)... it's edible, but "eh". "A" hated them with a passion, so we've eaten them rarely over the past many years. Well, "a" on the other hand ADORES them. BUT, I'm not allowed to fix them without cutting up hotdogs and mixing them in because "That's the way that daycare does it. AND they are REALLY REALLY good at making them at daycare."

Last weekend "a" spent at daddy's house. On our two hour drive home from meeting him at the half-way point.... we played "I spy" for about an hour. That was just about enough of that....! And I suggested a new game. We tried the story telling game where one person tells a couple of lines of a story, the other person has to come up with more lines, take turns and voila! you've got a story. "a" is a master at this game, his first time playing - well, except for the taking turns part - he'd come up with a complete story with plot, twists, etc. all on his own. Fantastic, right?

Well about story number seven I had to say something.... every single story, no matter how it was started (always with someone named "a" in the starring role).... it always ended with "and 'a' rescued a princess" and "she gave 'a' toys and candy" and "then she kissed him". EVERY story.

He did admit that he really wanted to have a princess kiss him. But, after I mentioned it, he then went on to tell a couple of stories without any princesses.

Apparently, there is a VERY BEAUTIFUL young woman working at the daycare - and her name is Amanda - and apparently it bears repeating that she is VERY BEAUTIFUL. Apparently, there are two young men who have decided that they are going to marry her. But, not "a" - nope, he doesn't want to marry her because that would mean that she would kiss him - and he's certain he's not ready for that, because she isn't a princess.

Funny - but sigh... how do I teach him that if he treats normal women as princesses? That that's better than meeting a princess? Or do I even bother - will he outgrow this?

Now, onto my daring rescue. Monday morning as I got into my car to leave for work, I saw a robin fluttering around on the ground... with a string tied around it's legs (caught up in some string that must have come off some mesh they were using to re-establish the ground cover). He did have enough string to be able to fly up to the bottom branch of a tree... about six feet. I ran inside and grabbed some scissors... cut the string between the mesh and the tree branch... but it wasn't quite good enough. The bird now had the string wrapped around the tree branch and only had about six inches of slack. Ended up having to climb the tree to reach the branch (small tree, small branch, and only a few feet off the ground - thankfully). The bird completely freaked out as I got near it - which was a little nerve-wracking - but after about 30 seconds of it either it got tired or it simply reached a point of thinking that it was out of options --- and it went completely still.... I was able to clip the string within an inch or so of its feet and it flew off quite safe.

Dreaming again

2009-05-08T10:11:00.002-05:00

So, 4 out of 5 nights in a row, I have had dreams. I have only had maybe 4 or 5 nights of dreams in the past couple of years.

The difference? Four years back when I started taking my B12 & Folic Acid supplements, I learned that if I took them after 10:00 am - I'd be up half the night. So, since the treatment for hypersomnia is basically uppers ... I thought I would experiment with taking my B12 & Folic Acid later in the day to see if it helped or not. I figured if it was a bad idea, I'd end up with a couple of nights having trouble sleeping.

Instead I've had the best sleep I've had in ages. I'm still waking up tired, but it's not the bone-deep, aching tired it had been. I'm still struggling to get up out of bed once I'm awake, but it's a 15 minute struggle instead of an hour-long battle. I'm hoping that this will ease after a few weeks of good sleep. Wish me luck!

Coupon winner

2009-05-03T18:58:00.001-05:00

True Random Number Generator
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Carla -- comment:

Love coupons use them for everything!!
Carla
cpullum(at)yahoo(dot)com

I'll be emailing the winner directly for a mailing address and will send the coupons out quite quickly.

Very pleased after Naturapath doctor visit

2009-04-29T16:56:00.002-05:00

I was a little worried she'd be a little "too" new-agey for me. And when I found out that her office is inside a yoga studio, it made me a little more anxious.

But, she wasn't (woosh). She seems to be incredibly intelligent. She understood every condition I've thrown at her on my list of complaints. She not only knew exactly what each condition meant, but the regular medical treatment for each of those conditions as well as the naturopathic treatment options. AND she understood how all my "conflicting" conditions interrelate and how treatment for one might cause issues for another.

I was impressed. And honestly? I don't impress easily anymore after everything I've been through.

She's got a list of changes she wants me to make. However, she wants me to make the changes very slowly and gradually so that we introduce only one change at a time and give it a few days before making a second change (did I say she impressed me already?).

EVERY other doctor I've gone to was 'satisfied' if I said I was taking a supplement for xyz. She instead wants to modify the supplements I'm taking because the form of the supplement I'm taking doesn't work as well as another form. Her explanation? If you're going to take time and money to take these things, I want you working with the best quality for the money and getting the biggest benefit. :-)

Of course, more water is one of the changes I need to make. I've always known I don't drink enough water and drink too much "junk" liquid. But, I struggle to drink water ... and even when I do better, it's a battle for every swallow. She actually came up with some very valid and applicable methods to make it easier for me to drink it. Again, I'm impressed.

AND? best of all... she explained that there's a complex relationship between magnesium and b6; and feels that by adding magnesium supplements to my list that my body should be better able to process it (and processing it properly is a key to decreasing the excess amounts). AND that she's going to research it further to see if there's anything else that we can do to "detox" as quickly as possible. :-) Which is really why I went to her in the first place.

May Coupon Giveaway

2009-04-28T11:40:00.002-05:00

OK - I finally got about 500 coupons clipped and sorted (yeah, didn't take as long as I thought, but longer than I wish it could have taken).

I've got approximately 150 coupons that don't expire until May 31, 2009 - and am giving them away to a reader.

Please post a comment if you'd like to win before 12:00 am Saturday. If you do not have a blog with an email attached to it, please leave your email in the comment. I will pick a random number to select the winner. I will contact the winner via email by Sunday night. If they don't respond within 48 hours, I'll pick someone else.

And, I will be a good girl & clip my coupons - and this will be repeated at the end of every month with however many give-away coupons I can find.

Good luck

Less angry - still quite emotional

2009-04-27T16:36:00.002-05:00

I'm still struggling with a lot of strong emotions over my health. I'm not angry with the one doctor who was a complete jerk anymore. BUT, I'm angry, or really - mostly upset with the whole process and system that allowed a significant diagnosis not get communicated clearly to the people (like me and my regular doctor) who needed to know what's up.

If we had known it was B6 when my symptoms first started fluctuating again, we might have had some idea what to do next. In the meantime, my over-all condition has worsened and it might have caused permanent damage. In the meantime, it's been two more years where we didn't get better and might add at least that much more time to the recovery period. A period of time which is really critical to "a"s development. I've missed out on so much because I'm always needing to go lay down - because I'm tired or don't feel well. The last two years seem like such a waste.

I've got an appointment with a Naturopathic doctor tomorrow. Have high hopes. I can't find anything online regarding flushing B6 out of your system, just that it takes years to work itself out... so I'm still going to ask her opinion, but not be surprised if I just need time. I am hoping though that she can advise me on the smartest diet changes to make to try to still have a healthy diet but with as little B6 as possible while I detox from it. She's very clear that she plans on spending at least an hour with me tomorrow and that she works with whole body healing types of things. One of the things that has bothered me is that I have so many nutrient deficiencies (and this one toxicity) -- without a root cause. And pretty much the only discussion my doctors have is to throw me on more supplements (and take me off of the one). I think I eat a balanced diet (not a perfect diet, but one with variety)... and it would be good to know what (if anything) I am messing up.

A long rant (moved from my knitting blog)

2009-04-27T16:26:00.001-05:00

** Originally posted on my knitting blog (by accident) on the 23rd **

OK - you know that last week I had found out more about B6 toxicity symptoms and that I had a theory I wanted to discuss with my doctor and to get screened to see if that might just be the key to the mystery of my health issues.

I've started having symptoms again - and things are getting worse. And, as per the "plan of action" (or lack thereof); I'm supposed to call my doctors nurse so she can inform the doctor so they know what's going on. So, I do. Only the regular nurse is on vacation this week. I leave a message with the new nurse to call me. She tried to call, I was tied up on a conference call. I call back. She doesn't call back. I call the following day. I called again this morning. I get put through to her and she wants me to come in today. Right away. OK. I was really just hoping to ask to get a B6 test. No hurry... but if the doctor wants me to come in, I can.

My doctor doesn't have any free time today, but wants me to be seen. Since I've been through this before, I'm tempted to cancel; but think - you know what? You just never know; no one seems to know what's wrong, it's good to get extra opinions. Maybe this guy will have some new insight.

He walks in, says he's not going to ask how I'm feeling since he knows the answer is probably "I've been better". Good start. I ask how far back he wants me to go (cause it usually works best to start at the beginning). He says, "I'm just filling in, so why don't I just ask some questions". We talk about the fact that I don't have "new" symptoms; just worsening symptoms. He tries to narrow down exactly what the symptoms are. So far, very good. Right to the point.

Then he starts looking at my chart & questions start to swirl a bit - there's a lot in my chart; and some of it was proven wrong recently. Being on coumadin, but not being on it any more. He was adamant that I should still be on it - I told him to talk to the six specialists who told me I shouldn't be on it. (probably shouldn't have done that). At this point he's complaining that I'm "all over the place" --huh??? remember? I'm answering his questions... I had asked if he wanted me to start at the begining, he didn't feel it necessary, but now, I'm not providing a clear picture.

Then we get to the "why are you here" part and I explain that I want a test to measure my B6 levels. I explain that I'd been diagnosed with B6 toxicity in 07; and that I'd learned online that it might be related to my current symptoms and wanted to verify. Doesn't that sound reasonable? I thought it did. I got nailed to the wall ... the ghist of it was that if I'd already been diagnosed that I didn't need all the testing I was getting; etc. etc. Umm... ok? He made it sound like I didn't need the test. I already had my diagnosis. ? What? ??!

He made it VERY clear that I was wasting his time & my regular doctor's time and that I should have asked more about the toxicity with the specialists.

I think I finally made it clear to him (still not sure) that when I was told I had B6 toxicity that they made it sound like it didn't mean anything. I was NEVER told that it was related in any way to the health issues I was experiencing. I asked "what does it mean to me" -- and got told simply "stop taking the supplements - no more."His response? "That's a concern" -- What does that mean?!

SO, now I'm lost. They are supposed to call me early next week with the blood test results. I'm "guessing" at this point that I should act as if I still have the toxicity even if my levels are normal. I don't know what the next steps are. I don't know if there are next steps. I don't know if there's a specialist to go to (or what kind) to discuss prognosis, expectations. I did understand very clearly that I wasn't supposed to expect any answers from the doctor I saw today.

I am planning on getting a call into my regular doctor and have him help guide me with "what's next".

In the meantime? I'm furious. I'm angry with this obnoxious doctor who was so rude about my wasting his time that he didn't make it clear to me that either "Yes, you do have it and sorry the other doctor's missed it" or "The test will be the proof that you have it". I'm furious that I didn't see this doctor years ago if it was so "obvious" that's what this was. I'm angry with myself for not asking more questions years ago. I'm angry with Mayo for not understanding the condition they'd diagnosed me with to explain to me it's impact on my life. I'm angry that I'm going bankrupt over this whole mess. I'm angry that my innocent son has missed out on so much in his life because I've been sick when I probably didn't need to be.

Some day - probably soon, I'll be thankful that I've got a diagnosis and will know how to keep things from getting worse. I'm not there right now. I'm crying my eyes out and ranting to anyone who will listen, instead. I can't focus on anything. I can't hardly think clearly right now.

I wish I had waited to see my doctor. I know his response would have been more along the lines of - wow, could that really be it? Let's go find out for sure. He would have been happy to help find a solution. He wouldn't have had any answers as to what to expect, but I'm sure he would have been eager to help me find a specialist who could answer my questions. Instead, I practically got reamed by this assinine man who had better things to do with his time. I felt like he was blaming me for being ignorant. And, here... if this really is what's going on? I'm actually the first one to put the two pieces together. Not the doctors. ME. I didn't get trained on this stuff, there's no way I could possibly have known that B6 toxicity was relevant to my condition I was experiencing after I'd stopped taking them. No one provided the slightest hint that I might have to be on the lookout for anything. No one told me that it would explain ANYTHING. As far as I knew, it had no symptoms of any meaning. LET ALONE explain almost 100% of my undiagnosed condition.

I do still think I probably have hypersomnia - it can be caused after neurologic damage... and B6 toxicity can cause nuerologic damage.

So, like I said, I know I should be happy that I finally have some answers. I'm still struggling through the vast amount of emotion going through me right now over the jerk doc (as he will forever exist in my mind). I've been suffering for so long and desperately seeking answers... just to find out that the answer was there, but buried in a bunch of old tests that no one took the time to really figure out.

Officially out of my hands

2009-04-27T16:22:00.000-05:00

The guy with the auto-hauler came by at 3:00 today to haul away the T-bird. It's on it's way to a brand new home in Oklahoma. Amazing!

New insights - too soon to get my hopes up that it's an answer

2009-04-20T15:02:00.003-05:00

I think I've figured out something that might be key to some of my health issues (beyond hypersomnia - which is still a probable, maybe thing).

If I go back in time, I had my PE in Nov 2004. When I had it, it was discovered that I had high homocysteine values - which is usually an indication of B vitamin deficiency. It can raise your risk of clots (hence possible contributor to PE and why I got tested). It can raise your risk for heart disease and cause lots of issues. Although you can lower your homocysteine levels by taking B vitamins, there's no proof it lowers the risk of clotting, etc. HOWEVER... taking B vitamins is relatively safe, inexpensive, and it does lower the levels ... so it's standard practice to suggest taking Folic Acid, B6, and B12. I took them faithfully.

Within a few months I had recovered (as far as I can tell) from my PE - but within a month of that I started having weird pains, chest pressure, etc. And thus all my "issues" started. Things got worse & worse until I ended up having those "episodes" of loss of feeling and loss of balance. Then in January 2006, I had an "event" where those episodes stopped being intermittent and instead become "my new reality". At that time, they couldn't figure out what was causing it. For lack of any other explanation, they decided that it could have been a very small stroke. Although those symptoms didn't come back for another six months or so... I still wasn't doing well. Tired all the time, etc. etc.

After my mother got diagnosed with B6 toxicity - knowing I was taking B6 she told me to get tested. I asked REPEATEDLY to get tested for toxicity and got told repeatedly that it was next to impossible to get toxicity from a single over the counter supplement. After going to mayo and still not getting answers on my issues, I ended up at the pain clinic - where I got stubborn and flat out demanded someone test me. Sure enough, I was toxic. Told to stop taking the supplement immediately. Didn't really get told anything else. And, honestly? I didn't really ask anything else about it.

I've had some intermittent symptoms since - but things got much worse this fall. I had another "event" in Dec 2006. But, funny enough? I did a search on B6 toxicity - and wouldn't you know it? nerve damage in the form of loss of sensation, numbness, tingling, pain - and being overly tired, and balance & coordination issues are the symptoms of B6 toxicity. Now, wouldn't you think someone, somewhere would have tied the two of these together? Did I really have to spend $20K on medical tests when I'd already been diagnosed with toxicity? Now, supposedly, after stopping supplements, you're supposed to see improvement in pain, tiredness, and balance and coordination -- and I did for a while. Unfortunately, the nerve damage *might* be permanent. But then things did get worse again.

But, I thought to myself - but I'm not taking B6. I know you can get B6 from diet - so I got to wondering if perhaps, I'm just overly sensitive to it (since I shouldn't have been toxic from the supplement when I was taking it). Started digging into seeing a Naturopath (woohoo! one just moved to Des Moines!!!). Can't wait to start working with her!

Anyway - didn't take me long to figure out two probably problems:

My cereal bars I've been practically living off of (eating 1 or 2 EVERY morning, and sometimes one for a snack)??? Contain B6 -- 100% of recommended dose!

But, then I also got to thinking about the supplements I am taking. Wouldn't you know it? My doc had me start taking a multi-vitamin around about the time that things started to really turn down hill again. And, when I look at the bottle? It supplies 100% of the daily recommended dose as well.

Now, I haven't had time to discuss this with my doctor yet. But this really fits with my symptoms and timing, and it all ties together far better than any of the other suggestions. I can't help but be very frustrated by the whole process. I know that he's tested my B12 levels as B12 deficiency can have similar symptoms - but I've been taking those supplements regularly and my levels are normal. I'm also pretty sure that since I haven't been taking B6 on it's own, he hasn't tested for it - but I'm going to call and find out for sure. What do you bet it's higher than it should be?

I'm trying to not get my hopes up... but I think, just maybe - this is a key.

Sleep Study

2009-04-17T09:47:00.002-05:00

OK, so there were two last tests that my doctor ordered... just to "cover all the bases" and not expecting to find anything. One was a colonoscopy - and I'm going to spare you the details. Suffice it to say, things are fine.

Second - a sleep study. I wake up every morning - completely exhausted. It takes a good hour to convince my body to move properly. I fall asleep pretty easily at night and sleep undisturbed for the entire night. I have two brothers & a sister with sleep apnea -so I know the symptoms... I don't have them. My sister also has restless leg - so I'm familiar with it as well... I don't have it. I struggled with insomnia in my teen years - I definitely don't have it.

Oddest thing about it is although I've never been a morning person ... up until about five years ago, I couldn't sleep past 7 to save my soul. Now I can't get up by 7 unless the house is on fire and someone drags me out of bed to save me. I've got 5 alarm clocks going - and I'm still having trouble. My health has been poor and we've had lots of things going on - so the last thing my doctor's were worried about was my trouble with over-sleeping. But, honestly? It's the biggest issue with quality of life that I have right now. I'm beyond tired ALL DAY LONG. And I don't have the energy to play or walk the dog, or do much of anything beyond the bare minimum.

So - met the doctor the afternoon before my sleep study and it was very interesting. Apparently there's a not very well known condition that is the opposite of insomnia - called ideopathic hypersomnia. And, I have 9 out of 10 of the symptoms - to a capital T. Holy cow. Interestingly enough, although sometimes they don't know why someone starts to have this, it can come on after nuerologic symptoms. Which I also have had - and in fact, I've had this "exhaustion" ever since my first "mini stroke" - or whatever it was, if it wasn't really a stroke. It's gotten better and worse, but it's never really left... so the timing fits. Also, one of the "key signs" of this is that people who have it tend to try to avoid napping (because it doesn't help). And -that is really what I do as well. If I do take a nap, it ends up being 5-6 hours and I'm still tired after the nap; what a waste. So although I'm too tired to move or do anything except go lay down; I then turn around and do everything I can to stay awake while I'm laying down.

So, he told me that if I didn't have insomnia, nor sleep apnea, nor restless leg syndrome (which I knew I didn't)... then he wanted to know if I could stay for further testing the following day to test for narcalepsy (which I don't think I have) - and hypersomnia. I won't know for sure the diagnosis for the next couple of weeks, but I am curious.

The sleep test went well - I slept through the night, had trouble waking up, just like always. Of course, I don't have any of the conditions I didn't think I had. Then - the following day - every two hours they would have me lay down to take a nap. They'd give me 20 minutes and then wake me up again. I'd have to get out of bed & sit until the next time a nap was due. I wasn't worried about it... but living it? How cruel is it take someone who is exhausted - tell them to try to sleep, and then wake them up literally within minutes of falling asleep? Ugh. It was actually very frustrating. And I also found it quite challenging to "put away" the things and try to sleep during the day after so many, many days of fighting off sleep during the day.

So, it will be interesting!

5 yr old funny

2009-04-14T19:16:00.002-05:00

"a" and I have been having lots of discussion. Apparently there is still some question as to who is the boss.

He finally recited back to me the following list:

Megan (his preschool lead teacher) is the boss at school
Daddy is the boss at Daddy's house (fair enough)
Mommy is the boss in the car and at home

BUT... "a" was trying to sell me on the idea that he is the boss of the couch, and as such, he should be allowed to sleep on the couch whenever he wants.

um. no.

Talked about why I was saying no (not that he fully got it)... and finally just said, nope, it's in the home, I'm the boss of home, so I'm the boss of the couch as well.

Well, he says... I want to be the boss of something. Fair enough, right?

So, I told him that he could be the boss of the puppy.

No fair, he says... she never listens to me.

Hmmm? since when did being the boss mean that anyone actually listens and does as their told? LOL -- though I couldn't very well tell him why I was laughing - I've still got him at least sold on the idea he's "supposed" to listen to me (the boss).

Coupons - so many coupons

2009-04-08T10:11:00.003-05:00

OK, I've been busy on a knitting project and ignoring my coupons... wow, do I have a ton. (obviously - if I usually give away around 100-150 coupons a month).

Here's my old process:

1) Get Sunday paper, collect coupons at stores, or in products, or in the mail

2) every Sunday I would clip ALL of the coupons and put them into two piles - keep AND give away. It used to be that I would keep less than 25% of the coupons; but you never know which coupons with sale prices might be free in the coming weeks - so I learned to keep coupons I didn't think I would need "in case" ... I still don't keep coupons for items I wouldn't use even if free.

3) The pile that I was going to give away -- would get divided again. Coupons that didn't expire for over 30 days... were going into an envelope for a giveaway... coupons expiring sooner would get thrown into an envelope to send overseas to Military families (they can use coupons over 6 months past expiration date at their military shop).

4) Then I would file away the coupons I'm keeping into a 3-ring binder with dividers for grocery aisles.

5) While filing, I would pull out expired coupons that I hadn't used and put them into the Military family's envelope.

6) Then flip through all the flyers and sale ads, and the coupon book & try to match everything up. Browse online at some favorite blogs who do the same & see if I have the coupons they list to match up for some real bargains.

7) Pull out matching coupons & clip them to my notebook with store; sale dates; items on sale

8) When I go to the store, if the bargain isn't available - i.e., item sold out or pricing doesn't match the online board's pricing - if I don't use the coupon after all, I put it in my purse with the coupons I'm collecting that week for the following Sunday to sort out again.

------ big issues here... steps 1 through 5 take forever when you figure I handle about 200 coupons per week. So - I've got a stack of coupons to clip & sort and very few that I can find. I haven't clipped for a couple of weeks - and the piles are too tall now to keep on my desk. sigh

I'm leaning toward one step - which is only to file the coupons that are 'loose' - and then take the non-clipped coupons and file them by date in a manilla folder. Benefit here is reduced time cutting. Disadvantage is that although the online posts usually reference "see coupon in 3/8 paper" -- it doesn't help me when I'm flipping through my sale ads and coupons.

Also, I always justified in the past that I was going to end up clipping them anyway to mail overseas even if I didn't use them.

sigh ... guess I just need to be an adult about it and go home tonight and clip coupons. I just know it's going to take three or four evenings (if not the whole weekend) to get caught up.

Its not like I don't know it's worth it... on average I'm getting about $30-40 worth of free merchandise a month, plus saving over $50 per month on groceries. I've done the math - and the money issues I'm in means that clipping coupons means we're eating better than we would if I didn't. I just wish it was easier (but then, wouldn't more people do it if it was easier???).

and now a vent

2009-04-03T20:28:00.002-05:00

Geez... got REAMED tonight by a neighbor. All in all, I'd rather they did complain to me first if they have a complaint before going to the management... BUT, she didn't have to raise her voice to me and repeat her complaint a dozen times.

Here's the issue. Kyra (the dog) gets over-excited (justifiably) when I let her out of her kennel after she's been in it for ten hours. I've been trying to figure out "solutions" and ways to train her so it's not insanity. Basically, when I get home from work she kicks up an enormous racket. Barking, yipping, whining, scratching at the floor of the kennel. A co-worker told me that a trick that might help is to NOT let her out the second I get home... but make her wait a minute or two. So, we've been trying that. It's not working great... but it is helping a little. Basically she's still freaking out the minute I walk in the door, but when I walk past her stating "a minute" and I go to the bathroom, in a minute or so after I leave the room, she calms down a little. Which is good, right? Still a couple of minutes of loud noise & annoyance... but my hope is that with time (and maybe a little age) it will get better.

THEN, when I do let her out of the kennel - she's still over excited (unfortunately). She literally trembles with excitement and wants to jump all over us. I hang onto her collar, encourage her to sit, to calm down... and when she does, I pet her and give her all the attention she wants. When she's trying to climb all over me, jump over the couch, I hang onto her collar to keep her from doing so, and say "No, SIT" in a firm voice. It takes about five minutes of repeating these actions before I can walk to the door to take her out (she's insane, I tell you). Unfortunately, she doesn't think she wants to go outside & go to the bathroom just yet. I know she needs to go, but the majority of the time, she still wants attention. If I put her out too quickly, she sits at the patio door and yips this really loud, really "sharp" yip. ANNOYING to me (and apparently the neighbors). I've tried everything from going outside with her, to scolding her, to leaving her barking... but if I put her out before she thinks she wants to be out - she'll do this. She won't go to the bathroom. If I let her back in, she'll want to go back outside again in two minutes. It's really obnoxious.

This is really the only time she barks. And I do know it's annoying, but I'm kind of at my wits end on how to handle this. I want her to learn that the first chance she gets outside is when she should go and that she'll get all the attention she wants when she's done her business.

So, tonight, I was in the bathroom cleaning the cat litter, and was giving her five minutes to bark (watching the clock). She barked the whole time. Before her time was up, a neighbor came to complain. Now, when it comes right down to it - she had EVERY right to complain. I probably would have as well.

But, it wasn't a complaint -- it was a confrontation. I apologized profusely AND then she started yelling at me about how I wasn't supposed to put the dog on a chain and she was tired of listening to the dog bark all morning long, all night long (which isn't true). And then she even yelled "and you probably don't even clean up after it". ? I'm sorry, but I do pick up after it, if I didn't then she would have yelled "and I'm sick of seeing poop all over the place" -- right? But, no, I do pick up after my dog. I don't follow her around (which I could probably do, if I wasn't already living a life) - but every morning I go out and pick up everything I can find. I do find that some mornings I can't find anything (not sure why)... but the following morning I'll find three or four somethings... I know she's going a couple of times a day (I remember from the regularity of cleaning up after her when she was going in the house).... but for some reason I just don't always see it. It evens out though... and I figure if I'm looking for it and having trouble finding it, it's less likely someone else is going to stumble onto it and complain in between times.

I didn't lose my temper but that was mostly because I was waiting for her to take a breath so I could ask if the dog was also barking during the day while I was away at work (I worry about that). She said no. So, I said thank you for coming to me first, and I would do everything in my power to cut down on the barking - and shut the door in her face.

I think I was quite civil. But WOW? I've had lousy neighbors before and had to complain... but I've never raised my voice? What's the point of that? I figure she needed to unload on someone and I got lucky... like I needed it.

Anyway, had to vent... nothing like getting reamed within five minutes of walking in the door.

First a positive post - Kindergarden Round up

2009-04-03T20:14:00.003-05:00

Can you believe "a" starts school this fall? I still can't.

Went to roundup yesterday... and when I walked up to the desk to check in - they asked me when I had registered my son. I panicked for a minute - because in the back of my mind I was thinking ... sh*t isn't kindergarden round up WHEN you register? it was where I grew up... but then I relaxed (incorrectly) because I remember calling last summer when we moved to this apartment.

I spoke to one of the kindergarden teachers about waiting a year with "a" and what all was entailed. So, I was confident that we were a-ok.

We weren't. Apparently I called too soon. Only they didn't tell me that I had to call back after school started.

So, I registered him yesterday. Only, apparently (something else I didn't know) - in a large school district where budget cuts are the rule -- there's a first-come; first-served issue. We are 112 on a list where they only accept 92 students. huh. They said not to worry over-much... that many of the children on the list would probably move out of the area before fall.... that it happens all the time... but, if it doesn't happen, he'll be bussed to a different school (even though we are two blocks away from this school). The good news (if there is any) is that if he is bussed to another school, we will probably live far enough away that he'll get bussed for free.

Did you know that they can now charge parents for bussing kids to school? Seriously? We live so close that we're in the "walk" zone -- which means no bussing even if we wanted to pay for it. But apparently, if you live past the "walk" zone but within two miles of the school, you can only send your children to school on the bus if you pay the fees. I understand it, and I understand that if they didn't have this option - the kids would be walking otherwise... but I'm still a little outraged over the premise of it. To me, it should at least have a pro-rated cost for those families at lower income (like the lunches)... otherwise it's the disadvantaged kids who can't ride the bus during lousy weather -- and the rich kids get to ride. Just doesn't seem very "american".

Anyway - on a positive note... "a" loved it. Of course, it came with OJ & cookies,, and he got to go explore classrooms and do art projects. I'm sure once it's for real and they actually make him do something similar to work he'll hate it as much as he does preschool. But, as it was, he didn't want to leave when we were finished - he wanted more "classes". ;-) Made me pretty happy.

Great weekend, lousy week so far

2009-03-24T10:56:00.003-05:00

OK... so I lied by omission - I did not tell my sister I was spending last weekend in Cedar Rapids (her neck of the woods) -- because I knew that if I did, I'd have to confess I didn't want to stay with her. And I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Her house smells bad, is a constant mess (as if mine isn't); but beyond those things - she doesn't have a working shower or bathtub. I know she copes fine without it, but I don't cope as well without it.

So, since I didn't want to hurt her feelings, I didn't contact her. I justified it quite easily - her phone wasn't on (out of minutes)... so I couldn't call her.

So, who should call yesterday? She did of course. Guess what, she was coming through town and wanted to spend the night. I do not have a problem with this... not at all. But, things did not work out at all well.

A) house is a disaster (of course... can't complain about someone else's when your's isn't in any condition - sigh)
B) house smells ... "A" dog-sat this weekend and I think there were a couple of accidents that got soaked into the carpet. Won't have time to shampoo until this weekend. (sigh)
C) my cat pees on her pillow - he smelled her cat (who was left in the car, who is in heat) -- and left his mark (sigh)
D) my calendar in full view of the apartment has written right on it in sharpie with several underlines "Cedar Rapids" for last weekend - making it obvious I was out of town. (she didn't say she saw it, but it would be hard not to)
E) Her restless leg kicked in and she didn't sleep all night
Edited to Add:
F) To top it off? She put her contacts into a glass of plain water (nope, don't know why) and left it on the kitchen counter (which means she hasn't been around kids enough lately). And, of course, "a" woke up in the middle of the night, and proceeded to get a drink. Found the water and drank the entire thing. Contacts and all. sigh. I can't blame him for not realizing there was something in it. (I can't believe she thought it would be safe).

So much for trying to be considerate... I'm a lousy hostess, I've got a stinky, smelly house & I don't call when I get into town.

Meantime, I'm working from home as "a" is still not doing well. He slept until after 10:00 this morning, but at least his fever broke yesterday evening. Now, he's just really cranky.

Pulled over twice in 24 hours

2009-03-17T19:22:00.002-05:00

... both my brake lights went out. sigh. Good news is that it was just the bulbs. Curious as to why they would both go out so close to each other. Good news is that I didn't get "fix-it" tickets, just a friendly, stopping-you-so-you-know thing.

Found an awesome (but expensive) shop to get them fixed. I'd been meaning to try them as I had a free oil change coupon from the Welcome Wagon... so the oil change was free, but putting a new wiper and two $1.00 bulbs in? over $50 bucks. Got a free shuttle ride to & from work... so I guess they have to recoup their expenses.

But, fantastic service. Plus would you believe it? They virtually detailed my car? My messy, dirty car! (Way worth $50!!)

"A" settling in at Y

2009-03-09T10:13:00.002-05:00

"A" has been evicted from the homeless shelter and program. He claims it's because he let it slip that he was looking into getting grants to pay for college and getting money there to live off of (even though he won't get any)...

But the "reason" they gave him was because he had a confrontation (discussion in his words) with the minister at the shelter who was teaching a class and was explaining to the students how to beat children without leaving any marks.

I agree that I would have a hard time sitting through any type of discussion like that. I'm not 100% sure I believe him when he describes it to me (shouldn't be - there are a lot of people out there who take spare the rod, spoil the child mentality to the extreme).

But, I also know that you don't tick off the people giving you free room and board and trying to help you get on your feet - which he did.

But, another program is willing to pay 3 to 6 months of the cost (a few dollars a day) to live at the Y. And, he's loving it there. I couldn't convince him after two years of suggesting he go live there... but he does love it. He's getting free meals at another shelter... he's got a free place to live. He's got a free bus pass to get around.

Now, if he'd just get a job so that in 3 to 6 months - when this program runs out -- he's got enough money to do something for himself. We'll see.

I'm upset with him for not sticking with the program at the first place. They were going to provide him with opportunities and training for skills for working. They were going to help him work for a full year with virtually no expenses and he blew it. Ah well. At least he's got a roof over his head now.

Possibly have the beater sold

2009-03-06T19:17:00.002-06:00

Got a call out of the blue (could it be Feng Shui at work again?)... I had posted the run-down, beat up vehicle for $300 OBO two months ago... and got a single call, with no other interest....

Someone in West Virginia wants to drive all the way to Iowa to pick up a $300 barely running car. Without a single picture... and knowing that it not only runs rough, and needs engine work, but also needs uphostery & body work as well.

I know it's a Thunderbird, and they have a group of fans... but honestly? I figured if I did manage to sell it to someone who likes them - that they would probably be from nearby... not several states over.

By the time he pays U-Haul for a car trailer and pays his gas here & back, he's putting more money into it than I'm selling it for. But, I am not going to complain. Nope, not at all. I did ask him three times if he was REALLY sure he was certain.

On Feng Shui experiments

2009-03-05T20:05:00.002-06:00

Note - there is an "S" after the word experiment. I told you about one, the other, I kept to myself.

Experiment Number 1 - Moving cat litter out of the NW corner of the apartment.

Remember my post about too-much-poop in my life? "a" is still having accidents, but instead of 2 a day? We're down to 1 a week. I chalk that up as a HUGE improvement, with a little ways to go. Kyra, is still having accidents in the house as well, again - instead of 2 a day, we're down to maybe 1 every two weeks. MUCH better. Although I'd love the number to be 0 for both of them, I'm still taking this as a win. It's MUCH, MUCH Better!

Experiment Number 2 - Improve my financial situation

I spent about $10 to buy two items on ebay - both of which shipped from China. 1 was a "token" that is basically a hanging red "cord" with five gold coins (not real gold, of course) with square holes in the middle of the coins threaded with the cord. I also bought a Chinese three-legged money frog (again, painted gold) that was about two inches tall. I placed these in the SE corner of the master bedroom.

Now, my money problems aren't "solved" - I"m still going to file for bankruptcy. However, after meeting with the lawyer today, it's been determined that I should post-pone filing for a little while. Why, might you ask? Well, that would be because I got a BIG, HUMONGOUS bonus at work. HUMONGOUS... We're "eligible" for possible bonuses every year. My first year, I only got a "partial" bonus, and the amount I got was around $200 - nothing to sneeze at certainly, but not in the category of HUMONGOUS either. Last year, no one in the entire project got a single bonus. This year? THIS YEAR? --- did I say HUMONGOUS? I've only ever gotten a bonus once before (and this one isn't nearly as big) -- but that was a special situation, not an annual opportunity like this one was.

My lawyer's advice? Spend as much of it as I can paying things "ahead" so I have fewer expenses to deal with after I file. Catch up my car payments (since they're in the list of creditors complaining the most). Then... ? Spend it buying things I need & want. Wooohooo! (as if I ever have trouble spending money).

I'd feel guilty about it, I would (honestly). But, since I don't qualify for Chapter 7... I'm filing for Chapter 13 as it is. AND I will be paying all my creditors 100% of the debt... so my spending this money isn't money out of their pocket. AND I have been tightening the money belt SO tight lately that it's not even funny. AND I can't pay off any of my debts with this money, as I'm not allowed legally to pay off any debts greater than $600 in the three months before filing Bankruptcy.

So, with any luck - I can pay my Insurance ahead, get my car payments caught up, put a few dollars into my sock drawer and then maybe? just maybe? "a" and I can take a VACATION this year - how awesome would that be????

So, experiment #2? HUGE SUCCESS.!

:-D

Five Year Old Funny

2009-03-02T11:49:00.002-06:00

"a" watched me make meatloaf & meatballs on Saturday.

He watched them bake.

He took one bite of his slice of meatloaf and said "It's SO GROSS!" and "It's disgusting".

But, then proceeded to eat five meatballs.

And yes, they have exactly the same taste - as I mixed them both in the same batch before plopping some into the meatloaf pan and the rest formed into meatballs.

Coupon Giveaway Winner

2009-03-02T09:54:00.002-06:00

Sorry I'm about two days behind doing this. Spent most of the weekend in bed trying to rest up and gather some strength - it didn't work, but at least I didn't wear myself out even worse.

Congratulations!!!

True Random Number Generator
Min:
1Max: 13
Result: 3

Powered by RANDOM.ORG

Winner is:

2teens2mother said...

COUPONS! I love coupons!
Hope I win!
Thank you for the chance to win.

8:20 PM

I will be emailing her directly for her snail mail address, and if I don't hear back within 48 hours, I will draw another name.

Who has more stress?

2009-02-24T19:26:00.005-06:00

After reading a post at Phil's blog about who has more stress the stay-at-home mom or the breadwinner... I thought I'd try to find a "stress test"... to measure the amount of stress as a single mom, do-it-all breadwinner.

Now, admittedly, this is highly un-scientific; and doesn't even address the "everyday" kinds of stresses that the original article was measuring... but it does prove a point.

I don't just THINK I'm under tremendous stress - I KNOW I AM...

Stress Test

Find your stress level by checking the events you have experienced in your life in the last year.

Check any event that applies to you then click on "Calculate My Total Stress Units" to get your score.

Your score was 467

If your score totals 150 or more:
You have a 50-50 chance of developing an illness.

If your score totals 300 or more:
You have a 90 percent chance of developing an illness.

The Life Stress Test, also known as the Holmes and Rahe test, was first created in 1967.

Requesting Dr House

2009-02-23T14:16:00.002-06:00

OK - so, I finally broke down a couple of weeks ago and called the "real" Dr House in New York to see what it would take to get in to see him. I knew from everything I'd read about it, that he was definitely un-traditional.

How un-traditional? VERY...

His requirement is that you have to write him an essay.

Yes, an essay.

Odd? Yes... but part of the reason I want to go see him is because he doesn't conform to the standards. So, I've worked on this essay off and on for a couple of weeks. It's printed & off in the mail today.

Now to wait and see.

Coupon Karma is good!

2009-02-23T12:59:00.003-06:00

OK, so last month I got some almost free Pepsi - $2 a 12 pack I count as almost free, plus some really not-so-expensive (on sale for 2/$5) Tostitos & Salsa.... which is good - our favorite snack and our favorite form of caffeine.

I got a pack of $15 worth of Pepsi & Tostitos Coupons in the mail as a rebate.

AND TODAY? I went to K-mart where they were DOUBLING coupons this week.

I got 5 12 packs of Pepsi for $.39 each - woohoo!! How COOL???

Tostitos were 2/$7 (not that cheap) - but by doubling the coupon I got them for $1.50 each - decent savings.

Then I got 10 boxes of Special K Bars (I swear I'm addicted) for $1.50 each.

Nothing free in this trip - but I Had "a" with me and they had put a limit of only 25 coupons per transaction... so I'm planning on a trip later today or next week. I've got about a dozen items that if they have them in stock, I can get totally free. I can't wait to go back!

Let's do another give-away!

2009-02-22T16:31:00.003-06:00

Giveaway is closed. Announcing winner shortly.

I've been stockpiling extra coupons again - might just be able to do this about once a month, if my coupon karma stays good.

I have 150+ coupons - mixed batch, includes a mostly coupon insert coupons, with additions from the mail and from the aisles of stores.

If you'd like a chance to win, please leave a comment on this post before 10:00 pm (CST) Friday, February 27th. Please leave an email or have an email associated to your blogger account. I will email the winner by Saturday and they have 48 hours to respond with their address or I'll pick a second number.

Last time I did this, it was with the giveaway carnival and I managed (who knows how) to get 149 comments! Wow! I doubt I'll get quite as much attention this time around - but we'll see :-)